Sunday night prime-time is always a tough slot to fill. What ever you put out there will be going against the likes of The Simpsons, Family Guy, The Sopranos, Deadwood (well, not anymore…). For as long as my muddled brain can remember, Sunday has been a solid TV night. So, to combat the monsters, NBC threw together just about the greatest line up in televised football for Sunday Night Football.

Let’s start with Bob Costas. Costas is like Joe Buck without the large population that find him pretentious. Bob Costas is a sports broadcasting genius. He’s smarter than all of them, yet patient enough to sit back at times and let the other broadcasters make him look even better. If Costas ever ran for public office (from Director of Sanitation to President) he has my vote. He doesn’t even need to campaign.

Moving along… Chris Collinsworth, while not deserving of my presidential write in vote, is another monster of broadcasting. He’s snide and knowledgable without being overbearing. He’s not afraid to call a player out and he sticks to it regardless of the outcome. Then, there’s Jerome Bettis: Man Law writer. School bus. All-Around Nice Guy. What’s not to like about Bettis? Sterling Sharpe… Well, at least he’s not Michael Irvin…

Then, regardless of your feelings on John Madden, you have to respect him. There is no middle ground with Madden, you love him or you hate him. But, either way you respect him. He’s John Madden, he’s eaten turkey legs bigger than you, punk. He survived years with Pat Summerall without clubbing him to death as he sat in his Little Rascal, shaking and mumbling “Beg yeh pardon?”. Now that Summerall has passed the torch, Al Michaels has taken our hearts just as Steve Stone took our hearts backing up Harry Caray in his declining years.

This is an All-Star cast the likes of which we’ve never seen before… EXCEPT…

Andrea Kramer.

Listen up NBC. Grandma Kramer belongs on the sideline about as much as John Madden belongs on a pole in a dimly lit club. Who is your target demographic? MEN 18-36! Who are these men attracted to? Barbara Walters? NO! Well, she has journalistic integrity, though. That’s what the TRUE football fan wants in a sideline reporter right?

Wrong again, NBC. We’ve got Bob Costas and Chris Collinsworth for that. What we want in our sideline reporter is sex. Well versed linguistics? NO! Intuitive strategic skills? NO! SEX, DAMMIT! We spend three hours watching sweaty men running around on the field. Bringing Andrea Kramer into the camera lens is like if Johnny Cash had wheeled Mama Cass out to the Folsom Prison crowd instead of June Carter. No, NBC! BAD, NBC!

Look at FOX. They’ve got Pam Oliver. Mmmmm…Pam Oliver. So smart, so intense, so hot. She knows her football and she’s hot. End of story. Journalistic integrity be damned. Pam Oliver gets the scoop on the sideline because she’s hot. She walks up to a player and starts asking questions, that player will answer them just to continue talking to her. Bonnie Bernstein is the same way. When Andrea Kramer walks up to a player, they escort her over to the information booth to help her find her family.

This is football, NBC. This is a male haven. The only interruptions we appreciate in football is cheerleaders, Pam Oliver, and funny beer commercials. Would you stick Andrea Kramer in a Hooters uniform because she’s a brewmaster and knows which beers better accentuate the various spices in their wings? NO! You stick Andrea Kramer on The View or the Today Show and you make damn sure her replacement has big boobs and a perky attitude.

So, there you go NBC. Use your brain next time. We live in a world fattened by Hardees and dumbed down by Larry the Cable Guy. Any words coming out of the sideline reporter’s mouth are just noises interferring with the game. Make those noises come from a perky 18-30 year old and you’ve got the perfect lineup. Until then, it’s just a Prime-Time Sausage Fest that’s almost the best thing on in that time slot.

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