Here it is, Draft Day. The day that NFL fans all over the place look forward to as soon as the final play of the Super Bowl goes down. So, in order to spearhead RotoDestroyer’s journalistic integrity, I will be conducting a real time article over the course of the entire draft. This will include the drunken rambling that comes with the way we roll:
1. Houston Texans – Mario Williams DE/NC State – Nice, even though the Texans signed Mario last night, they still took five minutes to make the call. What were they doing back there? Stocking their cooler? And why is Michael Irvin so freakin’ pissed off about this pick? It’s a good thing no one takes Irvin seriously. He could make a lap dance unbearable…
2. New Orleans Saints – Reggie Bush RB/USC – Wow. I thought for sure they’d trade this pick. I think I could hear Duece McAllister calling his agent from my living room. And is it just me or does Reggie look a little less than excited about going to New Orleans? This is going to be huge, now I’m looking forward to going to some Saints games for another reason than just to make fun of the Saints fans.
3. Tennesee Titans – Vince Young QB/Texas – First off, YOU GO JETS FANS. Those guys are friggin’ nuts. They’ll boo anyone and freak out over anything. I can’t imagine Vince Young coming right into the league and producing. On paper he sounds good, but look at Michael Vick’s past two seasons. Exactly. Vince Young’s career and selection place is all based on one game. Good for Vince Young, bad for the Titans.
Side note – Who is more smug? Steve Young or Mel Kiper Jr.? Steve Young has the benefit of a wacky religion to be smug about. But, I think Mel Kiper Jr. edges him out with an overinflated feeling of self worth and hair that comes from a Ronco Products Hair Mold.
Side note – Wake up, Matt Leinart… *Hunhh HUH?! Leinart thirsty!
Side note – Can you imagine Michael Irvin’s blinged out team if HE was actually in charge? The Irvin Crunk… Good thing he’s just sitting on the sidelines and jabbering like an idiot rather than actually in charge.
4. New York Jets – D’Brickashaw Ferguson OT/Virginia – An excellent selection for the Jets. If there’s ANYTHING they need on their team besides a back up for Old Man Curtis is a bodyguard for Pennington and Ramsey. And if anyone in the NFL reminds me of Whitney Houston…I’m looking at Chad Pennington.
Side note – Who exactly is Under Armour advertising to? The average fat guy like myself sitting around with a beer and a sandwich watching the draft and fantasizing? If I buy some of their leotards will they quit flexing in my face? Click clack…shut up…
5. Green Bay Packers – A.J. Hawk LB/Ohio State – This has been the Packer’s choice since the college season ended. He’s an amazing linebacker with a straight up rock and roll name. They desperately needed help there and they got it. Good for the Pack.
Side note – How about the Matt “Superstar” Leinart ads with the sun shades and the leather jacket and the slicked hair and the crappy Nickelback crap. ESPN seems to be desperately trying to sell him to anyone. WHAT IN THE HELL IS VERNON DAVIS CRYING ABOUT?! Is he the next Cedric Benson? Are we about to hear another rambling boo-hoo sob story?
6. San Francisco 49ers – Vernon Davis TE/Maryland – The best tight end in years, bawling like a baby. Are the 49ers holding his grandmother hostage? Why the tears Vernon? You knew you were gonna be drafted. We all had a good idea it’d be the 49ers that would do it. So, they can’t be tears of surprise. Maybe his mother told him that she wouldn’t love him any more if he played for San Fran. Well, anyways, good for San Francisco. He’s the man, despite the tears.
7. Oakland Raiders – Michael Huff S/Texas – Well, their first mistake was signing Aaron Brooks. Their second mistake was not drafting someone to take his place when he continues to be one of the most frustratingly bad quarterbacks in the league today. But, they say Michael Huff is a good DB and the Raiders are such a terrible defense…you know, whatever…
Side note – Beer #2 is complete. My wife is solid gold, she just took the kids out so that I can drink, watch football nerdery, and write about it.
8. Buffalo Bills – Donte Whitner S/Ohio State – Okay, I’m not going pretend that I know anything about Donte Whitner. But, something I’ve noticed is that Michael Irvin hasn’t said ANYTHING since the first pick. Could I not be the only one who doesn’t know anything about Donte Whitner?
Side note – Tom Condon is a greasy sleezy looking used car salesman. HA! He got done with the interview, smile vanished and the vulture look replaced everything. “I hate talking to women…Condon KILL!”
9. Detroit Lions – Ernie Sims – LB/Florida State – This is a breath of fresh air for the Lions. They’ve been on the cusp of having a not quite great defense, but Sims is going to REALLY tie the room together. They haven’t had a great LB since Chris Claiborne. Should be good for them…
Side note – I’m officially beginng to get drunk.
10. Arizona Cardinals – Matt Leinart QB/USC – That was FAST! Man, seriously…WATCH OUT NFC West.. Arizona is the team to beat. Forget about Seattle. Leinart, Edge, Bolden, Fitzgerald? Man, seriously, Arizona fans are friggin’ melting down right now.
Side note – Click Clack
Side note – Denver trades with St. Louis for 15th and 68th overall
11. Denver Broncos – Jay Cutler QB/Vanderbilt – First off, Jay Cutler, while he may be “the best quarterback in the draft”, he looks like a douchebag. Get a haircut, you friggin’ fifth Beatle. I’m all for long hair, beards, dreads, whatever. Bowl cuts, however, are against the law. Good pick for Denver, though. Jake Plummer’s probably bummed after a decent season, but they gotta look forward to the future.
Side note – Steve Young must’ve heard my smug comment, because he’s desperately trying to pass ol’ Kiper with comments like “let me remind you that I went on record on ESPN about Cutler”. Yeah, we got it, you’re a genius….
Side note – Baltimore trades with Celevland for 13th overall and a 6th Rounder.
12. Baltimore Ravens – Haloti Ngata DT/Oregon – This guy is roughly the size of a cow. A poisonous cow with lasers that shoot from his horns and kill offensive linemen. Even though their defense SHOULD be top notch, Kyle Boller will keep the Ravens out of contention for the year. The Ravens will now officially be impossible to run against though.
Side note – Beer #3 VANQUISHED!
Side note – Ouch…the film they just showed of Ngata was pretty sad. I retract my laser beams in the horns statement. But, he’s still a cow. HA HA HA! The Haloti interview was fantastic. “Haloti, what can you say about coaches saying you take plays off?” “Well, I’m just blessed..” **WOOOOOOOOOO!!!** “…this is my team…
” **WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!**
Side note – Suzie Colber, I wanna kiss you…
13. Cleveland Browns – Kamerion Wimbley DE/Florida State – Solid player, rarely hurt despite a brief injury stint. Frankly the Browns’ defensive line sucks. So, he ought to be possibly the best pick these guys have made since before they left for Baltimore.
14. Philadelphia Eagles – Brodrick Bunkley DT/Florida State – Seriously, holy s**t. Bench pressing 225 pounds 44 times? This guy is going to kill people. Wow. That guys arms look like pythons that ate six pumpkins. Good call, Philly. I still hate you, but good call all the same.
Side note – Beer #4 out the door!
15. St. Louis Rams – Tye Hill CB/Clemson – A five foot, nine inch corner back? Good luck with all THAT, St. Louis. Yeah, I know about the Senior Bowl, I live in Mobile. But, you can’t be fooled by one game. Sure Spud Webb was fun to watch, but that didn’t make him a perennial threat. Tye Hill = wasted pick.
Side note – Man, seriously, two things are about to make me go Elvis on my television screen this afternoon. Click clack and these pimp superstar promos for these college athletes. Jay Cutler as a cowboy pimp? Reggie Bush looking like a bigger player than Andre 3000 from Outkast? Matt Leinart looking like Snake from Escape From LA? Lame.
16. Miami Dolphins – Jason Allen CB/Tennesee – One of their major holes has been filled. Plus, his mother was freaking out in a world class way. He didn’t seem to pumped about it, but I think his momma is excited about meeting Jason Taylor (he’s so dreamy!) I think this guy is a top notch defensive back, but his mother’s got a better vertical leap.
17. Minnesota Vikings – Chad Greenway LB/Iowa – Sorry, I’ve never even heard anything about this guy. But, I can tell you that I need to pee.
18. Dallas Cowboys – Bobby Carpenter LB/Ohio State – Should be a tough defensive addition for the Cowboys, but I think they probably should’ve looked to an offensive tackle, considering their left tackle has never started a game. But, who am I to question the Big Tuna?
Side note – Beer #5 down the hatch.
19. San Diego Chargers – Antonio Cromartie CB/Florida State – The fourth Florida State defensive player taken in the first round is the craziest. He didn’t play the at all last season with a knee injury. The Chargers already have some pretty good DBs in Jammer and Jue. If there had’ve been a wide receiver worth a crap, they could’ve SURE used some of that. But, maybe Chad Jackson could’ve still been the better pick.
Side note – I’m getting pretty drunk now. Congratulations for me. I have to wonder if Cromartie’s family is “experiencing financial difficulties because of the pimp suit he’s wearing to the draft…
Side note – I saw a homeless guy walking down the street wearing a fez today. That has nothing to do with football, but I just wanted to mention it.
20. Kansas City Chiefs – Tamba Hali DE/Penn State – This guy kills. Watch the film on him. Seriously. He’s a quarterback exterminator. It may not translate all the way to the NFL, but this guy is a great pick.
Side note – Watching the Tamba Hali story after the pick. Wow, this guy has a hard life story. Jesus, he was this close to becoming a soldier in the Liberian Army and fighting in the civil war over there. And he’s playing so that his momma can come to America? Forget it, I feel bad for every QB to come into contact with this guy. Consider yourself dead.
21. New England Patriots – Lawrence Maroney – Wait… What? What about DeAngelo Williams? What about LenDale White? I don’t feel like I should be second guessing a football genius like Bill Belichick, but, Really? I don’t like it.
22. San Francisco 49ers – Manny Lawson DE/NC State – Chalk up a good draft to the 49ers. But, I feel like these guys won’t have a chance to compete for at least three years. They’ll be in the game, but their team is terrible. No offense at all. No defense at all. They’re making strides in the right direction, but you can only do so much in the the time between seasons.
Side note – Oh man, I’d love it if the Bucs could get Winston Justice. Solicitation of prostitution? Brandishing a FAKE firearm? So…what… It’s better than Michael Pittman’s love of playing bumper Humvees with his wife and infant child. I’m sold…pull the trigger.
23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Davin Joseph G/Oklahoma – WHAT?! Boooooo… I don’t like it. I don’t want to talk about it.
24. Cincinatti Bengals – Johnathan Joseph CB/South Carolina – With Deltha O’Neil as their best defensiveve back, the Bengals could have chosen anything anywhere in the defensive spectrum and still made a good enough choice.
Side note – Beer number something. Six maybe? Drunkedness is ensuing. I just checked, it’s six.
Side note – Pittsburgh trades with New York
25. Pittsburgh Steelers – Santonio Holmes WR/Ohio State – Great great great choice of picks. He’s interchangeable as the best WR in the draft with Chad Jackson. Hines Ward now has a new counterpart to play with once Cedrick Wilson falls off the map like he did in San Fran. Great pick, Pittsburgh.
Side note – Buffalo trades with Chicago
26. Buffalo Bills – John McCargo DT/NC State – Uh… Buffalo? Are you guys letting the chick from Major League draft for you? I know it’s not a large market team, and Los Angeles is chomping at the bit. But, come on, this guy is a late second, early third rounder. Buffalo has lost their minds.
27. Carolina Panthers – DeAngelo Williams RB/Memphis – This is the best pick since the top 5. Fantastic fit with the team. Fills a void that Stephen Davis and DeShaun Foster have left behind with old age and injuries. Fantastic pick. I can’t praise them enough for grabbing him when they did.
28. Jacksonville Jaguars – Marcedes Lewis TE/UCLA – This is a huge upgrade from Kyle Brady. Great choice from what was left. Now Byron Leftwich can have another target whose name isn’t Jimmy Smith. Great choice.
Side note – One more beer before the end of the first round.
29. New York Jets – Nick Mangold C/Ohio State – Great choice for the Jets who lost Kevin Mawae to free agency. The best part of that pick? Either the Jets fans nearly hanging from the rafters and humping each other or that Mangold’s mom leapt on top of him and blocked him from camera’s view for nearly the entire shot.
30. Indianapolis Colts – Joseph Addai RB/LSU – Dominic Rhodes just threw his remote control across the room. This guy’s a stud for sure. A 4.4 40? Forget about it. We’ll see Rhodes for a few games, but that’ll probably do it.
Side note – I love the McDonald’s commercial where the hot chick is walking by and all the dudes
are eating McDonalds and she walks by and they see her kid and they all give a “Phew! Dodged THAT bullet!” look knowing that they don’t want any of that noise. Because EVERYONE knows avoid chicks with babies at all cost, and McDonald’s is all like, “WORD!”
Side note – I love any athlete who uses the third person. It’s like spotting a mullet. Every time I hear LenDale White say “LenDale White” it makes me smile like I just spotted a feathered mullet with a rat tail.
31. Seattle Seahawks – Kelly Jennings CB/Miami – Unnecessary pick. Their defensive backs are fine. But with all the picking of the defensive backs going on, who can blame them? I’m not happy with the pick, but I don’t really care either, because the Seahawks are possibly one of the most boring teams in the NFL.
32. New York Giants – Mathias Kiwanuka – DE/Boston College – Pretty good pick there. A guy who can play on the other side of Strahan and learn from him as he goes along. His grandfather was the president of the Uganda. He wears a tattoo of the Ugandan Presidential Seal to commemorate the fact that his grandfather was tortured and killed during his presidency. Wow. What’s Strahan’s story again? Oh, right, not nearly as interesting, just something about gapped teeth and Favre fainting at the sight of him to give him a record. Right. You go, Kiwanuka!
There’s your first round. Paul Tagliabue is gone. I’m pretty drunk, but I’ve tried to maintain my journalistic integrity (look I can still spell it! That you Microsoft spell check!) and maintain a different look at the draft. Good day to you fools, I’m going to light the grill and get the margarita machine purring and ready for the rest of the party.
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