So, here we are again. The most exciting day in the NFL that falls in April, the NFL Draft. We’ve had some big changes at RotoDestroyer.com here lately. We’ve secured a new headquarters, we are begrudgingly walking away from baseball coverage, and we will be changing our name shortly. Big changes. Better changes. Sentence fragments.
But, before we complete the change, we’re taking a break from the hullabaloo to get drunk while watching the NFL Draft for the coverage that you need to kill the Mel Kiper Jr that will be dancing in your head tonight. So, let’s crack open an ice cold Pabst Blue Ribbon and talk some football…
Pre-Draft Note: I’m glad they ditched the badass clips of the players dressed in their character garb (i.e. Jay Cutler as the badass cowboy, Reggie Bush as the badass pimp, Matt Leinart as the badass motorcycle guy).
Pre-Draft Note: Keyshawn Johnson? If there was anyone who could rival Michael Irvin on the blabbering mouth of incontinence scale. It would be nice if maybe they could just find some guys like Michael Wilbon, Jerome Bettis, Keith Olberman, or Dan Patrick to fall right in the middle of the tolerance scale rather than playing the extremes with ultra-douchey white guys like Ron Jaworski and Steve Young and almost retarded black guys like Michael Irvin and Keyshawn Johnson. But, I guess as a nation we prefer the extremes, we’re idiots like that.
Pre-Draft Note: Click-clack…
Pre-Draft Note: “Oakland Raiders Key Loss: Aaron Brooks”? That’s like saying “Human Body Key Loss: Festering Boil”.
Pre-Draft Note: I would also like to say that JaMarcus Russell played high school football right down the street from us. What does that mean for you? Nothing, I just wanted to say it.
#1 Pick: Oakland Raiders – JaMarcus Russell – QB, LSU : This is the pick that should have happened. I have to respect Al Davis’ play on this one, as it’s a tactic I personally like to use come fantasy draft day. He’s a perfect fit for the Raiders style of game and he should fit in perfectly with the Black Hole. Well played, Oakland… Well played.
#2 Pick: Detroit Lions – Calvin Johnson – WR, Georgia Tech: I just vomitted my heart through my mouth. I had hoped it was a done deal that Tampa would get him. He’s the best thing I’ve seen since the SkyCam. He’s huge, he’s got great hands, great ability, but most importantly, he may be the most intelligent person in the draft. Right now, I want to punch everyone in Detroit’s draft room in the mouth.
Side note: I just chugged my beer to ease the pain. Beer #2 coming up. Ugh…
Side note: God… Please make Steve Young stop coming up with his own catch phrases…
#3 Pick: Cleveland Browns – Joe Thomas – OT, Wisconsin: I love this for two reasons. Joe Thomas is a friggin’ monster. He has cornbread running through his veins and he likes to kill animals. I’m pretty sure by the end of the season he will have Johnathan Vilma stuffed and mounted in his living room. Plus, he will keep whatever crappy QB, the Browns bring to the table safe at least from the blind side. Number 2? This leaves the door open for Jon Gruden to draft Brady Quinn. I think Quinn stands a chance of flopping, a la David Carr, but we’ll talk about that later.
Side note: Nice job, Bucs! They signed Phil Simms, too? Magnificent! Has there ever been a father/son combo in the NFL?
Side note: Ron Jaworski talking about Brady Quinn’s hot “magazine model, body builder” body makes my beer taste different. *cringe* *vomit*
Side note: Well played, team player Keyshawn! “You saw what happened to us last year, Jake went down and we were stuck with nothing.” Chris Weinke just signed up for Keyshawn’s Fan Club.
#4 Pick: Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Gaines Adams – DE, Clemson – Okay. I can get down with that. I always hate the Bucs’ picks, but then they tend to work out. The Bucs’ defense is definitely getting elderly, and Gaines Adams is solid. I feel good about it…
Side note: “Yeahhh… Click-clack…” Ha ha ha ha! Steve Spurrier… Click-clack to you, sir…
#5 Pick: Arizona Cardinals – Levi Brown – OT, Penn State – Good pick. Most importantly because I would’ve cried if we had another situation where Adrian Peterson started splitting carries with Edgerrin James. That combo has killed Duece McAllister/Reggie Bush, Fred Taylor/Maurice Jones-Drew, and DeShaun Foster/DeAngelo Williams’ value. That’s the last thing we, as fantasy football managers, need. Now, Edgerrin’s value just went up just a little bit more.
Side note: I think Brady Quinn is still uncomfortable about Jaworski’s man love for him, I think he’s grateful to not have to walk past him to the stage.
Side note: I think Paul Schaffer should demand that Ron Jaworski return his glasses. And please, ESPN, Tony Kornheiser is making Dennis Miller seem like a good choice. Without Michael Wilbon there to shut up him up, he’s just… HA HA HA HA!! Yeah… Click clack. That’s my new favorite commercial. Makes me laugh every time.
Side note: I forgot to mention beer #3. But, now it’s gone. So, introducing beer #4!
Pick #6: Washington Redskins – LeRon Landry – S, LSU – Meh. I always question drafting defensive backs this high. Sure, he’s good and all. But, they already have Sean Taylor (until he pulls a gun again). They will be harder to pass against now, but that doesn’t mean much with the rest of their defense. But, nobody’s ever accused Daniel Snyder of being either rational or good at drafting.
Side note: One of my favorite times in the NFL Draft is Suzy Colber interviewing Tom Condon. Last year he just seemed repulsed at speaking to someone not making him money. This year he’s stepped it up and his level of disinterest is at narcoleptic level, constantly looking over Suzy Kolber’s shoulder for someone more important.
Side note: WHAT?!! I hate the shortened version of the Steve Spurrier commercial! They cut out the best part! Oh, good. They played it again almost back to back and put it back in… PHEW! Yeah… click clack.
Pick #7: Minnesota Vikings – Adrian Peterson – RB, Oklahoma – Nice pick if he can stay healthy. I predict that he will fizzle, though. He’s very good, but with the injuries he’s had… I don’t know. He’s just not big enough to be dominant. Plus, he’ll be splitting time with Chester Taylor. Good for the Vikings, bad for fantasy players.
Pick #8: Atlanta Falcons – Jamaal Anderson – DE, Arkansas – Once again, meh. As a defensive end, he’s not huge. He’s got tight end size, which is good for his quickness. But, pairing him up against these monster offensive linemen in the NFL can he excel? That’s the question. I think it’s a wasted pick out of frustration. The Falcon’s defensive line is already decently solid, they didn’t necessarily need to beef that up when there’s still a few very good RBs out there to pick to replace Warrick Dunn or even Ted Ginn Jr. to give Vick something to throw at on the rare occasions that he actually throws the ball.
Side note: Steve Young comparing rookies to American Idol contestants… Ugh… I need another beer.
Pick #9: Miami Dolphins – Ted Ginn Jr. – WR, Ohio State – WHOOPS! How are you gonna get the ball to Ginn without a QB, Miami? Is the NFL allowing wheelchairs on the field for Daunte Culpepper? First absolutely retarded pick of the draft. Thank you, Miami!
Side note: No, Kornheiser, I don’t feel sad for Brady Quinn. I feel like he’s minutes or hours away from being a multimillionaire. Even if he’s a DAY away from being a multimillionaire, that’s still a lot closer than me. So, sad for for Brady Quinn? That’s why I hate you Kornheiser, because you’re an idiot.
Pick #10: Houston Texans – Amobi Okoye – DT, Louisville. I’m very interested in this guy. 19 years old, the size of a horse. He’s already on pace to b
e in the league for 3 – 4 more seasons than anyone else in the draft. However, what is his strength is also his downfall. Reading interviews with this guy, he’s still just a kid. Immature and brash. He’s also the only rival for most intelligent player with Calvin Johnson. I think he won’t make an impact for a few years, though, and the Texans needed help today.
Side note: Jesus, a special hideaway from the media for Brady Quinn? Who the hell do they think he is? I didn’t have anything against Brady Quinn going into this draft, but the circumstances surrounding him today are making me not like him, and it’s not his fault. They’re treating him like he’s got Downs Syndrome. He’s going to be selected! WHY ARE WE SHELTERING HIM AWAY FROM THE MEDIA!? Awww, Brady, come have a cookie and some milk. Would you like an apple? You’ll always be special to us! Ridiculous…
Pick #11: San Francisco 49ers – Patrick Willis – LB, Mississippi – The 49ers have so many holes, but this is a good start. He’s not a huge guy, but he’s fast as lightning and can crush Volkswagens with his face. He’s no Shawne Merriman, he’s probably not even a Ray Lewis type. But, I think with Merriman’s workout regimen (if you know what I’m sayin’) he certainly could be.
Side note: Uh, I don’t need blue mountains to tell me that my beer is cold. I have these magical devices called fingers and palms. But, whatever. Maybe Coors should spend some money on making beer that doesn’t taste like water.
Pick #12: Buffalo Bills – Marshawn Lynch – RB, California – It’s what they needed. How in the world could they have survived with Anthony Thomas as there main RB? They couldn’t have. After Adrian Peterson he’s the next best back. Solid pick, but then again, it’s not enough to put the Bills in the playoffs. Matter of fact, that’s a long way away.
Side note: Aside from a few sparse dumbass comments, Keyshawn is actually doing a good job. Shocker. Maybe it’s just the relief of not having to listen to Michael Irvin.
Side note: Way to make the commissioner wait on the Sonic and Madden ’08 commercials ESPN. The pick was made, but, hold on Rams, we gotta hock hamburgers!
Pick #13: St. Louis Rams – Adam Carricker – DE, Nebraska – Boy, that guy… He’s gonna be a menace. He’s a giant, and his picture looks like a zombie. The last thing, as a former offensive lineman, I would want to go against is a 6′ 6″, 300 pound, Nebaskan zombie… Picking the undead is always a good choice. Well played, St. Louis!
Side note: Carolina trades their pick to the New York Jets
Side note: I love Jets fans, they are absolutely retarded… What beer is this? 6? Meh…
Pick #14: New York Jets – Darrelle Revis – CB, Pittsburgh – I don’t really know much about this guy, and apparently not many Jets fans do either. Kind of funny to watch the Jets fans going from J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS! to dumbfounded silence…
Pick #15: Pittsburgh Steelers – Lawrence Timmons – LB, Florda State – Joey Porter’s replacement. Nice pick. Not a surprising pick. He’s got big shoes to fill. His mom’s shirt matches the wall, and that’s not a good thing considering their wall looks like Sam I Am pissed all over it… Oh man, I must be drunk…
Side note: Who would win in a nose sword fight: Rachel Nichols or Suzy Kolber? I think Suzy Kolber, she seems like she might get nasty behind the scenes…
Side note: My God! Do these fruitcakes get a kickback when Brady Quinn gets drafted? They’re pushing him harder than a life insurance salesman…
Side note: Awww… Poor Brady. They’re talking to him like his mother’s being held hostage in Venezuela. HE’S ABOUT TO BE DRAFTED TO THE NFL AND SIGN A MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR CONTRACT! Quit treating him like he’s on the special bus!
Pick #16: Green Bay Packers – Justin Harrell – DT, Tennessee – Ha ha ha! Those kids sure hate this guy. I guess they’re on the Brady Train as well. Look out Packers fans, you’re building a solid defense, but your offense still sucks. No offensive line, no running back, no playoffs…
Side note: I just wanted to say “Brady Quinn”. Brady Quinn.
Side note: Jacksonville trades their pick to Denver
Pick #17: Denver Broncos – Jarvis Moss – DE, Florida – Wow! This guy is a monster that moves like a freight train going downhill. Denver is up there with the smartest teams in the league, and they’ve done well on this pick. They gave up some big picks to get him, but it was a solid pick.
Pick #18: Cincinnati Bengals – Leon Hall – CB, Michigan – Once again, I can’t get super excited about defensive backs. They need him. He’s good. Hooray!
Side note: Two things, is Wendy’s hocking three-somes now? Dave Thoma smust be turning cartwheels in his grave. Does anyone else see the issue with that CDW commercial? Guy sends out a note that says “Send Help!” CDW sends him a laptop and a PDA and says, “This should help.” and the commercial closes with “We understand what you need and when you need it.” Apparently not… Things like that piss me off.
Side note: Which crutch phrase is more obnoxious? “At the end of the day…” or “It is what it is.” My vote is “It is what it is.” But, if these jerkoffs keep saying “At the end of the day…” they may push it over the edge.
Pick #19: Tennessee Titans – Michael Griffin – S, Texas – I don’t know anything about this guy, and I couldn’t care less about the Titans. The good thing about Tivo is that after all the pee breaks I’ve had I can now fast forward to the next pick. God bless you, Tivo!
Side note: Do you think McDonalds and such, when they hire people like Bud Bundy for their commercials, have to tell them, “We’re looking for washed up actors, the part is between you and Ben from Growing Pains.”?
Side note: Whoa! I thought Ol’ Dirty Bastard died! Turns out he’s a Giants fan in the crowd…
Pick #20: New York Giants – Aaron Ross – CB, Texas – I’ve started wearing ankle socks now. After wearing tube socks my entire life, I have to admit that it’s much more of an adjustment than I expected. If you’re not an ankle sock wearer, don’t expect to make the transition easily…
Pick #21: Jacksonville Jaguars – Reggie Nelson – S, Florida – The most underrated defense gets better. Keep that in mind on draft day… Why can’t I get excited about DBs? Seriously! I feel like I’m not doing my job, but I honestly couldn’t care less…
Side note: Do these idiots honestly think the Cowboys would draft Brady Quinn after Romo just became the face of the team last season? Seriously, they must get a fruit basket if the predict when he gets drafted or something.
Side note: Dallas Cowboys trade their pick to the Cleveland Browns
Pick #22: Cleveland Browns – Brady Quinn – QB, Notre Dame – Wow! The Browns have had a great draft! They got their quarterback, they got a gigantasaurus to protect him! Bring Brady out of his sequestering, give the man his cookie! Great draft so far for the Browns. Good for them. I’m a big fan of the underdog…
Side note: Now they can shut up about Brady Quinn.
Side note: “A great ending for his terrible, terrible day…” I hate you Tony Kornheiser. Seriously, these jackasses are putting WAY too much emphasis on his “mental toughness” due to the fact that he waited patiently while watching himself drop 13 picks further than he expected without running out of the auditorium crying or just offing himself altogether. Come on! I’ve waited in doctors offices for HOURS and I didn’t cry or shoot myself. Man, I am glad the Brady-thon is over.
Pick #23: Kansas City Chiefs – Dwayne Bowe – WR, LSU – It’s about time Kansas City realized that Tony Gonzales is their only legitimate target. Now, who will be throwing the ball to him if Trent Green goes to Miami? Brodie Croyle? I’ve seen him play, that would kill Bowe’s value
completely.
**Editor’s Note** At this point, Mr. Bylinowski stepped outside for a smoke, ate a sandwich, and promptly fell asleep. In the days that followed, his wife’s American Idol scheduling bumped the remainder of the 2007 NFL Draft off of the TiVo. Thus is life, we apologize for his drunken ranting being cut short.
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