Let me preface this story by saying that my wife will be pleased that I have immortalized this story in the confines of the internet so that now maybe I can quit telling strangers about it.

So, I’m sitting in the bathroom the other night, taking a shit. There’s nothing churning in the gullet, no abdominal pains, nothing real out of the ordinary prior to sitting on the shitter. So, anyways, I’m sitting there, thumbing through “ESPN: THE MAGAZINE, BITCH!” (It’s such a pile of shit, but I got a free subscription, so I read it while I shit…) and I feel the toothpaste reach the end of the nozzle, so to speak.

Once again, nothing momentous, but I can tell instantly that it’s one of those shits where you have to push like you’re birthing a fawn, yet when you look down, the bowl is full of olive-sized shit balls. So, I’m pushing and sweating and red in the face, and finally I break free. It’s like when you siphon gas from a car, you have to really give the hose a good suck start, but after you initially break the seal, the gas just pours into the bottle. Same thing, I break the seal and feel myself relax.

So, I flip the page, and SAY there’s a story on David fucking Beckham! I wonder when he’s finally coming to America so that Jesus Christ himself will descend from heaven and decree our great nation the most glorious of…

Then, I feel it.

Like farting in the bathtub, and a fart bubble floats up between your sack and your thigh, I feel something thump and slide off the back of my scrotum followed by a flat “flap!”.

Now, I’m confused… The strain of pumping out infants was like 15 seconds ago… What the fuck was THAT?!

I stand up and drop “ESPN: THE MAGAZINE, MOTHERFUCKER!” on the ground and look in the toilet, fully expecting a C.H.U.D. But, there was no C.H.U.D.

No, my friends, what I saw was….A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN A C.H.U.D.!

Inside the toilet bowl below me was a turd, scratch that..A TORD! that extended all the way down the hole, through the water, and all the way up the side, finally beaching itself just below the rim of the bowl. This beast would’ve made John Holmes throw his cock down in SHAME!

I stood and marveled, pantsless, in its glory for a moment before flushing it away to the TORD Hall of Fame. Of course, it clogged the pipes, and 5 flushes and a plunging ensued, but that’s just details…

When I initially told my wife this story, I expected her reaction to be anywhere from “Wow! From the drain to the rim, huh?” to “Why the fuck do you have a need to tell me this shit?”

Her reaction?

“Well, did you wash your balls off afterward?”

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