1. Thou shalt NOT honor your favorite team! Oh man, we see this every year in every league. Beantown yokels drafting every Patriot this side of Mel Gibson. Listen up, Chah-lee… Yes, the Patriots have a good shot of going to the Super Bowl this season, but drafting Tom Brady, Randy Moss, Donte Stallworth, and Lawrence Maroney on the same team will almost guarantee you a place among the guy who drafted Michael Vick and Kenny Irons. Don’t do it.
2. Thou shalt have your money for the jackpot before you draft Don’t be a jerk. You’ve known for months that this was coming up, have you money before you draft. No one wants to win their jackpot in installments for the duration of 2008, you cheap bastard.
3. Thou shalt not get TOO drunk prior to the 5th Round If you show up to your draft shitfaced, then God have mercy on your team. You thought alcohol made that fat, double-amputee look good at the bar, wait until you wake up and realize you drafted Tampa Bay’s defense…in the first round (I’ve seen it happen before… Embarrassing!)
4. Thou shalt not get caught in the tight end rush It happens every year, and it will happen this year, too. In the 4th Round, someone will select Antonio Gates. Shortly afterward, someone will pick Tony Gonzalez. Then Todd Heap, and Shockey, and Vernon Davis…until next thing you know Marcus Pollard just got drafted in the 5th Round. After Todd Heap gets selected and you don’t have a tight end…let it go, man…let it go…
5. Thou shalt keep track of EVERYONE’S picks It’s hard to tell which is more irritating and more worthy of a hard thump to the ear, the guy who calls out Randy Moss’ name in the 14th Round or the guy who calls out Tom Brady’s name one pick after Brady’s been selected. Either way, know who’s been selected or else I grant the person whose player you’re trying to take the right to give you a smack on the forehead.
6. Thou shalt not deliberate after the 10th Round Okay, Jimmy, listen up. Everybody’s drunk, it’s the 13th round, people need to pee and you’ve got your nose grinding on your 2007 RotoDestroyer Cheat Sheet scouring the 5th string receivers like Roydell Williams is going to solve your inadequacies. He’s not. Quit stalling…
7. Thou shalt not select a kicker until the last two rounds I know Vinatieri is clutch, and WOW, Robbie Gould put on quite a show in the first half of the season last season. But, here’s the jist, they’re all essentially the same in the fantasy world.
8. Thou shalt not draft more than one kicker, tight end, or defense Do you really need Dallas Clark AND Bo Scaife? Both will get you 3 points a game and go relatively unnoticed all season long. Don’t waste your draft picks on crap like that, you only need one of each and when their bye week comes along, drop your worst player, pick up a replacement, and drop him after the bye is over. It’s simple. But, by doubling up those three positions, you’re leaving 3 valuable position players on the board for your competition to grab.
9. Thou shalt not take a pee/smoke break until immediately after your pick “Where’s Todd?” “He’s taking a piss…” *Everyone leans back in their chair, takes a sip of beer, sighs deeply…* (Ten minutes later) “Hey guys…what? Is it my turn?” Yeah, Todd, it’s your turn…FOR A WEDGIE!
10. Thou shalt not drag along spectators I know your wife won’t let you out of the house without her, but if she isn’t drafting, she needs to find something besides vulturing over the draft, occasionally looking at her watch and sipping on a Zima with a look on her face that says she can’t believe what a bunch of nerds you all are. YES! We’re all dorks, and you married one! Now go find a Scrubs marathon to watch and leave the nerds alone!
Hmmm...I got nothin'...
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