Okay, okay…break it up. Everyone take a step back please! This is getting out of hand. Let’s take a deep breath and look at this Michael Vick issue with a level head, please.

Sure, Michael Vick is fun to pile on. I mean, over the past few years he’s furthered the spread of genital herpes under the pseudonym Ron Mexico, he’s flipped off entire stadiums, he’s failed drug tests, he’s been busted with James Bond style pot concealing devices in an airport. Plus, when he’s not getting in trouble, his brother was happy to pick up the slack for him. So, yeah, Charles Barkley may not want to be your child’s role model, but even though Vick hasn’t explicitly SAID so, I think you should scratch him off the list as well.

But, now the charge is dog fighting. Yeah…that’s a nasty little underworld they got there. Now, maybe it’s just because I’m from southern Alabama, but doesn’t EVERYone at least KNOW someone involved in dogfighting? I mean, I remember seeing the kennel my uncle raised pit bulls in as a kid. Of course, when my mom spoke of it, she was shaking her head in disgust and telling me to stay away from his backyard.

When his little operation was inevitably broken up, he had to “take care of the animals” which in backwoods Alabama-speak means go tie your pit bulls to a tree and shoot them before they can get out and hurt anyone. The concern wasn’t the welfare of the pit bulls, the concern was over such a collection of killing machines in one caged building.

So, what’s the difference between my hillbilly uncle and Michael Vick? Why was my uncle’s penalty to kill his own dogs before they could hurt someone, and Michael Vick’s going to prison for long enough that his NFL career should be long over by the time he gets out.

It’s race, right? Got to be! White people HATE it when black people have money. It’s so…non-Manifest Destiny, right? Wrong. That’s just silly. Maybe some white people hate that black people have money. I don’t know. Some people are outrageously stupid, so I wouldn’t be surprised. But, I feel pretty safe in saying that most white people are generally at least a little jealous of anyone who has more than they do, regardless of what color they are.

So, it’s the money right? Nah, come on. I would almost guarantee that Vick is not the only current NFL player: white, black, or other, to be involved in dogfighting. I mean, dog fighting at it’s most primal is about big dumb men getting together and coming up with creative ways to thump their chests and compare penis size. And I may be mistaken, but I’m pretty sure the NFL is full of big dumb men who like chest thumping. I’m sure they’ve probably found new hobbies since Vick’s crucifixion and will be laying low on the topic for a while, kind of like the kids at the high school party hiding in the bushes watching their buddy get stuffed in the back of the police car. Guilty of the same drinking, but glad their parents won’t be finding out tonight.

Okay, if it’s not race and it’s not money, what is it? It all comes down to two things: Personal status and being in the right place at the right time. For years Vick has been the person you love to hate. Admit it, you tried to go onto NFLshop.com and order a #7 Mexico jersey, only to find that you couldn’t. He has done some stupid things for a person in his position, but then as soon as he’d flip off the whole stadium on the jumbo-tron, he’d run 60 yards untouched for a touchdown and all would be forgiven.

People were just waiting for him to screw up, just standing there holding the crucifix, pleading with him to screw up. Imagine if Barry Bonds slapped his kid after mouthing off tonight. BOOM! Dead. We, as the fanatical public, are just sitting idly by our new source of choice tapping our toe just waiting for our chance to help hammer in the nails. I mean, Ray Lewis may or may not have killed a dude. Michael Pittman tried to run his wife and kids off the road into a ditch with his Hummer. Somehow, that just makes them a just a little more badass. What’s the difference?

That was their first offenses. Those were really first time blips on the Crucifixion Radar. But, Vick just kept appearing in people’s news for too many reasons, and now they want his head. Kind of like a kid sitting on the sidewalk with a magnifying glass, one ant separates himself from the line and suddenly bursts into flames.

So, people, let’s just calm down. It’s not race. I truly believe that it is not. It’s not just because he’s an athlete. It was just too many dumb things back to back to back, he made himself a visible target and now he’s stuck under a little kid’s stick as he systematically removes his legs and burns him with a magnifying glass, just to see what happens. This isn’t, as news reports would lead to believe, the worst thing that’s ever happened in the world. This isn’t even the worst thing that’s ever happened in the NFL.

So, everyone calm down, be rational and let’s act like people here. Put down the crucifix…but save the dunce cap and the stool in the corner, we’re gonna need that.

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