“ArmchairAssociation selected Steve Smith“
“Vicks Dog Fluffy: haha”

So, this is how it feels to draft like an idiot… I wound up with the 8th overall pick, and immediately drafted Steve Smith. Less than 2 seconds later, the manager with the wit, nay THE BRILLIANCE, to become the one-billionth fantasy team with a Vick reference in their name, rips on my pick. Awesome! I like where this is going…

Man, drafting an intentionally bad team is harder than it seems. I’m not saying that I’m so astoundingly good that failing is difficult or anything. It’s just hard to look at a good name still on the board and make yourself take someone else.

Here’s a breakdown of Team: ArmAss -

Round 1 – Steve Smith – I had his name pegged since the moment I saw I had the 8th pick. I’ve seen someone go WR in the first round in almost every draft I’ve been in, I just wanted to see what it was like.

Round 2 – Travis Henry – I screwed up on this pick. My intention going into this was to play the part of a Homer on top of everything else. I decided to go with the Saints because I hate the Saints. Reggie Bush was still on the board, but I think Travis Henry is the biggest bust waiting to happen this season so I opted for him.

Round 3 – Drew Brees – A true Saints homer would have taken Brees in the 1st or 2nd, I guess. But, I got him in the 3rd round. So, rock on.

Round 4 – Roy Williams – I had my sights set on a THIRD homer pick with Marques Colston, but of course the pick immediately before me grabbed him up and I got stuck with Williams. *Sigh* This team is looking better than I had hoped it would…

Round 5 – Edgerrin James – I think I waited long enough for my second RB. I usually have both in the first two rounds. I was pulling my hair out forcing myself to wait that long.

Round 6 – Baltimore DEF – You know when you’re squeezing out a fart, and just as it’s coming out you can feel solids charging the gates, so you clinch up, hope no one was watching, and run off to the bathroom for recon duty? That’s what it was like drafting a defense in the 6th round for me, even if it was Baltimore.

Round 7 – Adam Vinatieri – Man! I kept waiting and waiting for a tight end rush like you always see so that I could get locked in to the tail end of it like I warn against. But, there’s just no rush, so I did the next dumbest thing and drafted my kicker.

Round 8 – Jason Witten – Okay, so I can’t wait for a tight end rush anymore. They’d all been hen pecked off the board, so I just took Witten because he is perennially overvalued.

Round 9 – Devry Henderson – It’s the best I could do to put up my Homer front like I was hoping to.

Round 10 – Eli Manning – Time for some backups, and Eli sucks. In a real money situation I’d rather have herpes than Eli Manning, so perfect fit for this team. I hate him and would never draft him, but people everywhere think “this is his year”. *fart*

Round 11 – LaMont Jordan – Ha ha ha!!! BARF! First and only Raider selected!

Round 12 – Shawne Merriman – Yeah, this league had an IDP spot. I don’t normally play with one, so I didn’t know how to draft for it anyway. The thing that attracted me to Merriman more than his brute skill on the field was the newsworthy story on SportsCenter about how Merriman decided that he would no longer do his spastic dance after tackles. They reported that on SportsCenter… I hate SportsCenter…

Round 13 – Drew Bennett – Okay, I cheated here. I love Drew Bennett this season. I think he’s going to be a great value for everyone who grabbed him at the end of the draft. Sue me.

Round 14 – Eric Johnson – You know what I hate more than anything in fantasy football? Drafting two tight ends. But, when the opportunity to pose as a homer again arose, I jumped on it.

Round 15 – Oakland DEF – My brain screamed, “You have Baltimore! Why are you drafting Oakland, too?!” I hit it with a stapler on my desk and told it to pipe down.

So, there you have it. The Man vs. Poorly Drafted Team…uh…team, here to be known as Team: ArmAss. I think I did a good job drafting badly, now the gloves come off as waivers expires in 2 days and I take to the waiver wire quickly patching holes, building my shelter, and starting a fire. Because there’s a storm on the horizon and if I don’t get a fire going, this area is known for scorpions, rattlesnakes, and mountain lions and to them, I’m just another rung on the food chain.

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