Well, here it is! The NFL season is roughly 7 hours from starting as I type this, and that means there is very little work being done in companies all across America as employees dutifully scramble through their fantasy rosters hoping to make last minute changes. I would say that your boss would be pissed at you right now, but statistically, your boss is probably doing the same thing. So, while we’re on the clock, let me give you the first installment of Check Your Blind Spots of the season. Check Your Blind Spots will go through and show you some things about players you may not think about at first glance to help you set up your line up during the week. These aren’t to tell you, “Hey, you should start Trent Green over Peyton Manning!” They’re just here to make you feel better about the mediocre…
Quarterbacks
The Gallant Division:
Ben Roethlisberger – PIT vs. CLE – This weekend we’ll see Big Ben going against a miserable Cleveland Browns defense that recently saw itself probably lose cornerback Leigh Bodden for the week after he drove the wrong way, in reverse, down a one way street… Shouldn’t that somehow equal out to him going the right way? Whatever. The Steelers have some solid targets to throw at, and the Browns couldn’t stop The Hamburgler right now, much less Roethlisburgler.
Jake Delhomme – CAR vs. STL – Well, get your kicks in now, because you shouldn’t see too much greatness from Delhomme this season. But, this week he plays against a St. Louis defense who, over the past three seasons, ranks #30 in interceptions (12 INTs Per Season) and #30 in Points Allowed (388 Per Season). Barf!
The Goofus Division
Vince Young – TEN vs. JAC – I am fortunate to have never even had an opportunity to struggle over whether I should draft Vince Young. Because by the time I got the 15th round he had always already been chosen (OOO! AHHHH! Gravediggaz!). But seriously, some people like him. Whatever. He’s up against Jacksonville and one of the stingiest defenses around this week. Over the past 3 seasons they have allowed 256, 257, and 256 points per season. I’d say that’s pretty steady. Here’s to the beginning of the jinx!
Donovan McNabb – PHI vs. GB – Amidst the rotten beer fart that was the Green Bay Packers’ 2006 season was a pretty solid defensive turn out. Yeah, they allowed almost 1,000,000 points (354), but they KILLED quarterbacks last season to the tune of 23 INTs (#3 overall) and 46 sacks (#4 overall). Plus, anytime you have a QB returning from surgery that kept him out for 6 weeks in the regular season last year, you’d better remain a little reserved with your enthusiasm.
Running Backs
The Gallant Division
Maurice Jones-Drew – JAC vs. TEN – Back to the flaccid old man boob that are the Tennessee Titans, we should see the progressively married Jones-Drew rip them apart faster than Fred Taylor can injure himself.
Ahman Green – HOU vs. KC – If you’re like most people Ahman Green fell in your pocket so late, you were afraid you might have just drafted William Green. Well, Week 1 should be Ahman’s time to shine. Kansas City is getting a lot of hype via HBO’s Hard Knocks series. Any time you watch a show like that, you start seeing them up close and start putting validity in them being a solid team. They’re not, ESPECIALLY defensively. Ahman Green should eat their lunch.
The Goofus Division
LaDanian Tomlinson – SD vs. CHI – WHA?! Yeah, I know…hear me out. This Sunday, it will have been roughly 235 days, 17 hours, and 15 minutes since LT has played real football in pads. Then, the first team he faces is the first/second best defense in the NFL? Ugh. Once again, I’m not saying bench him. I’m saying don’t be distraught when he doesn’t score 4 TDs and pull down 200 yards.
Travis Henry – DEN vs. BUF – Running away from nine different child support payments must be hell on the knees! Oooo! He’s going up against the team that farted him out into the wind! Oooo! Well, he’s still not very good, and Buffalo’s defense, while not great, they’re not bad. In fact, against the run, they’re pretty damn decent. And let’s not forget the whole Shanahan hates you thing.
Wide Receivers
The Gallant Division
Mark Clayton – BAL vs. CIN – Who was worse last year than the Bengals as far as defending the pass? No one. They gave up the most passing yardage per game (238.6) and ranked 19th overall in Points Allowed. All that from a Marvin Lewis team? For shame! Plus, on top of that, Derrick Mason has been given the slot receiver role with the Ravens and is glad to have it. So, Clayton owners, have at it!
Darrell Jackson – SF vs. ARI – Same thing as above. Arizona’s pass defense (Just the pass defense?) sucks. Just not quite as much as Cincinnati’s. But, this should be a good opportunity for “I told you so”s to fly as everyone’s sleeper baby takes on repugnant Arizona. Darrell Jackson should do great, assuming his hamstring rests up before Monday.
The Goofus Division
Lee Evans – BUF vs. DEN – I hate writing his name here because I have him in most of my leagues. But, come on… Champ Bailey? Dre Bly? John Lynch? Versus J.P. Losman? Give me a break… I just hope Lee Evans doesn’t get killed.
Chad Johnson – CIN vs. BAL – Baltimore loves to shut down mouthy receivers. They love it! They take everything so personally… But, this has more to it than just the man who beat a horse in a 100 yard dash with a 75 yard head start going against the meanest defensive formation since the al Quaeda Christmas Tree. It sounds like Hooshmaroo is a big time question mark for gametime. If you take Hoozagoogoo out of the equation, Ocho Stinko may soon find himself gang raped in public.
Tight Ends
The Gallant Division
Ben Troupe – TEN vs. JAC – Who else is Young going to throw dead ducks at? Brandon Jones? Eric Moulds? If they can ever get close enough to the goal line, rather than trying to squeeze LenDale’s fat ass through a wall of turquoise, I imagine Troupe will be the target more often than not.
The Goofus Division
Jeremy Shockey – NYG vs. DAL – It’s pretty easy to shut down Plaxico Burress these days. Just let a couple of Eli’s SCUD missles fly over his head and he’ll start pouting so hard Tiki’s ego will hide under the couch at the sight of it. So, once that’s done you don’t even have to cover him any more, he’ll be the guy walking down the field with his hands in his pockets. Shockey will be sufficiently covered.
I was thinking about doing kickers and defenses, too. But, *fart*, sans a couple, they’re all the same. Violent stomach flu to everyone playing me this week, and best of luck to everyone else!
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