McDonald’s: Fast Food’s Bitch

I know it’s a ridiculous thought to feel sorry for a multi-billion dollar worldwide corporation, but I can’t help it. Every time I see a McDonald’s commercial on television, I can’t help but picture the kid who got busted by his parents toilet papering the neighbor’s yard and now he’s grounded, stuck inside, watching his friends through the window out having fun while he’s taking piano lessons.

Blame the fat kids whose desperate. money grubbing, fat parents filed a lawsuit against McDonald’s specifically. McDonald’s made them fat. Not the industrial size Sam’s Club can of Pringles eaten between commercial breaks. Not the 3-liter of Coca-Cola slugged back right before bed. Nope. It was McDonald’s.

Now, poor McDonald’s is stuck on the outside looking in as their running buddies steadily attempt to trump each other’s bacon infused colon decimator that Jesus Christ himself couldn’t digest. You’ve got the Baconator, the Monster Burger, the QUAD STACK (That’s four hamburger patties separated by layers of cheese and bacon, if you didn’t know.) They’re advertised by slopping them onto the screen, mayonaise and cheese dripping from the patties onto the white background in order to display what I assume is the fact that if you force this heaping pile of repugnant death into your mouth, you’re a sloppy fuck on par with the oozing artery bomb in front of your wheezing face. I don’t know.

In the meantime, McDonald’s is forced into a world of busy working mom, enjoying a nice green salad while her daughter nibbles on chicken nuggets and apple slices, courtesy of McDonald’s. You can tell they desperately want to offer up a bacon and cheese stuffed fried chicken burger served between two doughnuts. But, then Justice waggles a picture of the morbidly obese children that it has deemed McDonald’s solely responsible for, and McDonald’s slinks back into their bedroom and pushes their apple slices, salads, yogurt & fruit parfaits, and water.

As a person who has been the kid forced into piano lessons, watching his friends through the window having bicycle broom jousts, I feel for McDonald’s. I just can’t help it…

Hmmm...I got nothin'...