I know that I am going to sound like your Uncle Ned who sits in his bedroom, windows covered with aluminum foil, chain smoking Dorals and hovering over his short wave radio…what? I thought everyone had someone like that in their family. Whatever, I live in Alabama. Anyways, I had a revelation today and I’ve been looking out of my window for black helicopters ever since. Put on your tin foil hat as you read this, lest you be snatched away from your keyboard by Goodell’s Men In Black.

The season’s final results are predetermined according to what disaster has most recently occurred. Here’s the examples that most easily came to mind:

After September 11th, 2001, or as David Cross once called it, “The Day Football Stopped”, the nation was stunned by the largest ever attack on our country. Football was understandably canceled across the board for the week. When play resumed on September 23rd we saw two things happen, the New York Giants defeated Kansas City 13-3 and in a cruel twist of irony, the Jets defeated the Patriots 10-3.

Now, it would have been easy to pave the way for New York to cruise to the Super Bowl and win the big game for America. But, which team do you send? It might be too easy to make it Giants vs. Jets. People would smell a set up from a mile away. So, what do you do in this new patriotic land of patriotism? Ah ha! You take a struggling team, mired in last place for the previous two seasons and 2nd to last the year before that, and you pit them against the 14 point favorite “Greatest Show On Turf” and have them win. Which is exactly what the Patriots did to the Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI.

On August 29th, 2005, Hurricane Katrina tore through the Gulf Coast (including Mobile, where I live). It flooded the streets of New Orleans, killing thousands. It was the worst natural disaster to ever occur in our country. Playing home games in Baton Rouge and anywhere else that would host them and being outed from their practice facility by high school volleyball games sent the already miserable Saints to a worse than usual 3-13 season.

Upon their return to a destitute New Orleans, a refurbished Superdome, and rabid fans in dire need of a pick me up, the Saints destroyed the Falcons. They continued that level of motivation, pulling together a 10-6 record and earning themselves a trip to the playoffs as America’s sweetheart favorites. They were a feel good story that would give you diabetes if you watched too closely.

Well, like AIDS, Darfur, and Freedom Fries, even the truly horrible things fade to the background. George Bush doesn’t care about black people, and everyone else had American Idol and such on their minds. After the Saints fell out of the playoffs, New Orleans fell out of everyone’s hearts. Now, they’re riding a 0-4 start down the toilet, and I thought I saw some paper bags with “Who Dat?” covering a few heads this Sunday.

On a lesser note, and I hate to compare the impending retirement of Brett Favre to these horrible disasters, but let’s face it; in Green Bay, Wisconsin, Favre’s retirement will be about the closest thing our lactose tolerant friends will see to a disaster on par with the above until the walls of a giant vat of cheese burst, flooding the streets with cheddar. But, I digress…

Favre will likely be retiring after this season. On paper, I think most of us would agree, the Packers are not very good. There was no way that anyone could predict a 4-1 start to the season..no one but Goodell’s Men In Black. I think Michael Strahan may be involved somehow, returning the favor of Brett Favre flopping himself to the ground at the touch of Strahan’s pinky tip for the sack record, but I can’t confirm that belief.

There’s something fishy going on around here, and my eyes are WIDE open! Now, quickly, delete the cookies and browsing history from your browser before it’s too l

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