A Few Tips For The Shopping Gentleman
by Polish PowerhouseNovember 29, 2007
Now that we’re upon the Christmas shopping season, you’ll probably spend at least one hour in a mall atmosphere. Here’s a few tips to make that trip all the less painless:
1. Stop off at a convenience store and buy a big fountain drink, like a 44 ounce Coca-Cola. Then, stop off at the liquor store and buy yourself a pint or so of whiskey. Top off your Big Gulp with the whiskey before you go in the store. KAPOW! Now you’re getting drunk while you shop. Trust me, there’s no better way to fight the crowds than by stumbling through them.
2. After you polish off that 44-ounce well drink, you’re probably gonna have to pee. Well, here’s how you avoid the splashback effect from urinals that would otherwise make you look like you’d pissed yourself. I know it’s tempting to try and melt the urinal cake, but after many many attempts, I’ve never actually melted one. But, when you piss on the urinal cake you’re gonna get splashback. Your piss, someone else’s piss, everything…it’s gonna fly right back all over your hands and your pants. I’ve found over the course of my time in this world, that if you piss on the actual wall of the urinal (not the side, keep your piss stream perpendicular to the wall of the urinal) the piss droplets tend to go straight down, minimizing splashback. No more pissy hands!
3. This is the most important one. If you see an old woman perusing some clothes or something, crop dust her (fart on her as you walk by, if you’re not familiar with the terminology). Then, when she looks at you, look at her in a disgusted manner and shake your head like you can’t believe she just farted on you. She’ll wonder if maybe it was her afterall. Besides she’s gonna be the one blocking up the parking lot going 2 miles an hour in her Buick looking for a spot close to the door or clogging up the aisle as she totters along on her walker anyway. You’re gonna want to fart on her then, but you may not have to at that point. So, if the chance arises, fart on an old woman. You’ll be glad you did later on and maybe, just maybe, you’ll convince at least one of them that they’re just not continent enough to go out in public anymore.
Have fun out there! Don’t make it be as big of a pain in the ass that it could be. Have fun, be juvenile, and get drunk while you do it! Christmas is all about fun and overindulgence anyways.
Merry Christmas!
Hmmm...I got nothin'...
Loading ...
Easily, the article is actually the best topic on this registry related issue. I fit in with your conclusions and will eagerly look forward to your next updates. Just saying thanks will not just be sufficient, for the fantasti c lucidity in your writing. I will instantly grab your rss feed to stay informed of any updates.
Hi I found your site by mistake when i was searching yahoo for this acne issue, I must say your site is really helpful I also love the design, its amazing!. I don’t have the time at the moment to fully read your site but I have bookmarked it and also add your RSS feeds. I will be back in a day or two. thanks for a great site.
I like the layout of your blog and Im going to do the same for mine. Do you have any tips? Please PM ME.
I can see that you are an expert at your field! I am launching a website soon, and your information will be very useful for me.. Thanks for all your help and wishing you all the success in your business.
Amazing, truly excellent information. Your blog is really awesome. I bookmarked this and will come back once again. . . .
This is a great article thanks for sharing this informative information.. I will visit your blog regularly for some latest post.
We are a group of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community. Your blog provided us with valuable information to help us get started|.You have done a marvellous job!
What I dont understand is how youre not even more popular than you are now. Youre just so intelligent. You know so much about this subject, made me think about it from so many different angles. Its like people arent interested unless it has something to do with Lady Gaga! Your stuffs great. Keep it up!
Thank you so much for this valuable information. Very useful indeed. . . . .
Hi I found your site by mistake when i was searching yahoo for this acne issue, I must say your site is really helpful I also love the design, its amazing!. I don’t have the time at the moment to fully read your site but I have bookmarked it and also add your RSS feeds. I will be back in a day or two. thanks for a great site.
Nice article but for whatever reason your sites layout has multiple errors in the Flock v1.51 internet browser. I just wanted to tell you…
Very Good info.
Hi. I genuinely liked reading through your current article!. High-quality substance. I would undoubtedly recommend you to appear up with articles a bit far more frequently. By doing this, having this form of a helpful blog I really feel you may rank higher in the search engines . I also subscribed for your Rss. Continue the good job!