Now that we’re upon the Christmas shopping season, you’ll probably spend at least one hour in a mall atmosphere. Here’s a few tips to make that trip all the less painless:
1. Stop off at a convenience store and buy a big fountain drink, like a 44 ounce Coca-Cola. Then, stop off at the liquor store and buy yourself a pint or so of whiskey. Top off your Big Gulp with the whiskey before you go in the store. KAPOW! Now you’re getting drunk while you shop. Trust me, there’s no better way to fight the crowds than by stumbling through them.
2. After you polish off that 44-ounce well drink, you’re probably gonna have to pee. Well, here’s how you avoid the splashback effect from urinals that would otherwise make you look like you’d pissed yourself. I know it’s tempting to try and melt the urinal cake, but after many many attempts, I’ve never actually melted one. But, when you piss on the urinal cake you’re gonna get splashback. Your piss, someone else’s piss, everything…it’s gonna fly right back all over your hands and your pants. I’ve found over the course of my time in this world, that if you piss on the actual wall of the urinal (not the side, keep your piss stream perpendicular to the wall of the urinal) the piss droplets tend to go straight down, minimizing splashback. No more pissy hands!
3. This is the most important one. If you see an old woman perusing some clothes or something, crop dust her (fart on her as you walk by, if you’re not familiar with the terminology). Then, when she looks at you, look at her in a disgusted manner and shake your head like you can’t believe she just farted on you. She’ll wonder if maybe it was her afterall. Besides she’s gonna be the one blocking up the parking lot going 2 miles an hour in her Buick looking for a spot close to the door or clogging up the aisle as she totters along on her walker anyway. You’re gonna want to fart on her then, but you may not have to at that point. So, if the chance arises, fart on an old woman. You’ll be glad you did later on and maybe, just maybe, you’ll convince at least one of them that they’re just not continent enough to go out in public anymore.
Have fun out there! Don’t make it be as big of a pain in the ass that it could be. Have fun, be juvenile, and get drunk while you do it! Christmas is all about fun and overindulgence anyways.
Merry Christmas!
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