Okay, that’s it. I’m fucking sick of it. Sometime at the beginning of January, a guy named Lam Luong, a local crackhead who got fed up with his wife constantly nagging about his crack smoking, decided to show his wife that he was the man and that he’s gonna fucking do what he’s gonna fucking do. So, what better way to do it than tossing his four children off of the top of an 80 foot bridge into the Gulf of Mexico?

Yeah, he’s a fucking lunatic. There’s no excuse for what he did. Toss his ass in a sack full of broken glass and throw him in an icy pool until the sack stops twitching. Do it now. As a father of two (and in May, three) I can’t begin to comprehend the thought process of this fuck.

HOWEVER! And you knew there’d be a however…

I can’t imagine ANYthing but the fucking news media making me say, “Man, fuck those four fucking kids!” Jesus Christ on a cracker! Every hour on the hour, we’ve been getting inundated with reports on the tossing of babies, the search for babies, the discovery of babies. They even interrupted Saturday morning cartoons with a news brief a couple of weeks ago saying, “You might want to send the children out of the room………..the decomposed body of 2 year old such and such was discovered face down in a marsh today…” MOTHER FUCKER! Can’t that shit wait until 5:00?

No, of course not. Somewhere there’s people who haven’t slept for two weeks, anxiously waiting by the dull glow of the television waiting for rescue. Ha ha ha! Nah, there’s not really anyone like that out there, right? This isn’t THEIR tragedy, it’s super sad and all but, no one would mourn like that over four children they’ve never met and, due to their Asian descent in lower Alabama, would most certainly have never spoken to.

Wrong again, Jack! This fucking media orgy consisting of:

3rd Place: Looks like these guys made it to the copyright machine first. At least their catch phrase is kind of catchy.

2nd Place:Tragedy On A Bridge? Is that seriously the best you could do?

1st Place:The greatest catch phrase name ever associated with a mass murder!

All the local news stations sucked this thing off like it was Britney Spears shaving her head on acid. And all of this 24/7 coverage on television, including during Saturday morning cartoons and NFL Playoff time, the webpages dedicated to the subject, and enough repetition that Alabamians now know that the name Luong is pronounced “lung” has birthed a pious rampage over who can care the most.

It starts with a shitty Photoshop job THAT WAS ACTUALLY SHOWN AND DISCUSSED ON THE FUCKING NEWS:

Then it moves to message board discussion THAT IS ACTUALLY BEING CONSIDERED BY PEOPLE WITH POWER of naming a heavily driven bridge “The Four Angels Bridge” in memory of the four children thrown from it.

It’s even prodded weepy folk music out of some people…

Okay…E-fucking-NOUGH! They found the last kid last week for crying out loud! The big news was that they found her on the coast of Louisiana. Are we still sad, or are we just impressed with the strength of our local tidal currents? Put those poor children in the ground so the mother can mourn and all the mecha-pious zealots coming out of the wood work one upping each other’s empathy (“I lit four candles today.” “Oh yeah? I said four rosaries today.” “Oh yeah, well I wrote four songs today.” “Oh yeah, well I blew four homeless men today.” “Oh yeah? Well I’m going to throw my four kids off a bridge to express my deep sense of mourning for our four little angels!” “Oooo…she wins.” “Yeah, that’s a good one.”) can go right back to blaming Mrs. Luong for stealing their pensions by immigrating into this country and stealing THEIR shrimping jobs before they could get the barbed wire fences around the edges of Jesusland. Or do we only get to be mad at Mexicans for stealing jobs? I can never keep up with the local bigotry…

So, I’m not REALLY saying fuck those four kids, just fuck everyone else…

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