So, here we are again. The day that makes Vidal Sassoon their commissions as interns spend weeks slathering on hair gel and industrial grade sealants to Kiper's hair helmet in preperation for today. I have cracked open a bottle on Absinthe that I got from a friend for Christmas. The Green Fairy is what they call it in France. I call it some licorice smelling anti-freeze. It tastes as bad as it smells. But, it was a gift, and it was the drink of such dignitaries as Edgar Allen Poe, Vincent Van Gogh, and Oscar Wilde. So, prepare yourselves for some poetic, esoteric, drunken masterwork right here... TODAY!

Plus, if the absinthe doesn't work, I've got a 12 pack of High Life to fall back on. Here we go, here comes Chris "Deux Deux Deux" Berman.

Side note: There's been a little noise about moving the draft amongst other cities every year. I hope they don't Jets fans are some of the most photogenic degenerates in the world.

#1 Pick: Miami Dolphins - Jake Long - OT, Michigan: Is anyone else getting the feeling that we're seeing another Robert Gallery here? The Dolphins need help in the O-Line, and Jake Long is very good and all.... I just don't see him being the dominant force that the Dolphins do. But, that could very well be why I'm sitting in a La-Z-Boy pretending I'm waxing philosophical behind a keyboard and not making $57 million dollar decisions.

Side note: I hate the fact that I've known the first two picks since this morning. It's like knowing the final score before you watch the game.

Side note: Chris Young, Steve? Ha ha ha! Tired of your own sissy kids? Steve Young just had a jealous slip and called Chris Long, Chris Young.

Side note: This absinthe is just awful. I'd better start hallucinating soon like they say you're supposed to.

Side note: That damn Mrs. Long. Turn off your phone and stop scaring the talent!

#2 Pick: St. Louis Rams - Chris Long - DE, Virginia - I hate the Raiders, but I also really hate THIS for the Raiders. He should have fallen to them to continue legacy. But, between he and Adam Carriker they should make some wicked stops, but if their offense is going to continue playing like a bunch of hobbled old men, it's gonna be a long year.

Side note: Does anyone's mics work or are they just ignoring Deux Deux Deux? He keeps talking and they keep looking at their twiddling thumbs...

Side note: To start a new Rachel Nichols? One is enough, unless you set them off in a cage match and let them peck each others eyes out with their noses.

Side note: As bad as this shit tastes, I'm already a little drunk...

#3 Pick: Atlanta Falcons - Matt Ryan - QB, Boston College - I know that everyone loves to talk about what a franchise quarterback Matt Ryan is. He's going to make everyone forget Michael Vick! He's going to take the Falcons all the way! He's going to outlaw fat girls wearing "Sexy Princess" t-shirts! Quarterbacks just don't come in and rule the world. Whatever. People LOVE getting excited about high pick QBs, but the only thing they love more is ragging on them when they don't pan out. That being said, I'm not nearly as excited about him as everyone else.

Side note: I really hate Corona commercials. I don't buy it BECAUSE if their commercials, well, that and it tastes like overpriced Miller Lite.

#4 Pick: Oakland Raiders - Darren McFadden - RB, Arkansas - Are the Jets faithful cheering? Sounds to me like the Raiders have some copycatting in the works this season with a Fargas/McFadden combo. They've got a relatively young dark horse going on here. I think it might be time to start worrying about the Raiders.

Side note: McFadden's mom is a recovering crack addict?! Ummmm...she looks a little wasted right now. And I know wasted.

Side note: I HATE that the first 5 picks have almost been predetermined. We knew WHO they were going to be, just not which order. So, now we won't get any great Aaron Rodgers, Matt Leinart, Brady Quinn "Poor thing" drama this year. That is unless Dorsey doesn't go to the Chiefs, who just traded the #1 defensive end in the NFL. So, they just MIGHT be looking to replace him.

Side note: Wendi Nix? Is that the fat chick that Johnny Drama ended up getting rim jobbed by? Looks like it...

Side note: OH MY GOD! Look at that effing watch on Dorsey's wrist! How does he hold it up?

#5 Pick: Kansas City Chiefs - Glenn Dorsey - DT, LSU: Okay, so he hasn't missed a game in college. But, as badass as he is, he is a major injury risk. A RISK, mind you, not a liability. He's worth the gamble. Good for them. But, now the geen room is empty. I'm sad about that.

Side note: Happy as all outdoors!

Side note: J-E-T-S! Jets! Jets! Jets!

Side note: We still have Vernon Gholston in the green room! Drop drop drop!!! I want to hear about the triumph of the spirit of this brave young man for waiting an extra 20 minutes to be a millionaire!

Side note: I want to hang out with that bald Jets fan in the stands. He looks like he knows where we could find the truly kick ass high school parties!

#6 Pick: New York Jets - Vernon Gholston - DE, Ohio State - I think Vernon Gholston is a frightening badass on par with the Rock Eater in Neverending Story. Did I just bring up ROck Eater? Wow... I don't care about people saying he's TOO muscular and not athletic enough. Forget that. Gholston will destroy...

Side note: Goddammit! These 1984 style Under Armour commercials have GOT TO GO! CAN...YOU...DIG IT!!!???

Side note: Prediction: Iron Man will suck ass. Over/Under: A McDonald's Cheeseburger.

Side note: Even with Goodell's new streamlined draft. I'm drunker than I have been before at this time. I better move on to beer. Once again, my wife is pure gold. I said, "I've got to live blog the Draft while I get drunk." ad she said, "I'll take the kids to your mom's for a few hours." GOLD!!!

Side note: The Patriots trade Pick #7 to the Saints

Pick #7: New Orleans Saints - Sedrick Ellis - DT, USC - The Saints are out of control! They are trying to get to the Super Bowl TO-day! Look at Ellis' picture, he looks like someone just said, "Sedrick, I think Billy Jean was WAY better than Thriller." The cameraman did not live through the shoot. I hate this pick, but only because I hate the Saints.

Side note: The Ravens trade Pick #8 to the Jaguars

Side note: I really am sensing some animosity between the rest of the crew and Chris Berman.

Side note: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT! Kiper versus Berman! Come over the desk!

Pick #8: Jacksonville Jaguars - Derrick Harvey - DE, Florida - OOOO!!! Berman just said, "We say a reach, but, uh, you know, that's just on YOUR BOARD, MEL!" Ha ha ha ha! I don't know about this guy, but Berman just cracked me up with that!

Side note: Hmmm.... You think Keith Rivers might be a Bengal?

Side note: I'm onto the High Life now. Beer #1 coming up after this pick.

Pick #9: Cincinnati Bengals - Keith Rivers - OLB, USC - Wow, that was the quietest reception ever for a pick. Crickets everywhere. Keith Rivers is a bad ass. A classy guy, but a classy guy who will eat your soul. You know what I mean? It's a shame that he's going to the Bengals. I mean Marvin Lewis should have a killer defense, but ever year, it's just mediocrity. I wish for better for Keith Rivers, because he's a bad mutha.

Side note: Adam Sandler.... I pretend that he died after Happy Gilmore. It keeps me happy.

Side note: Vented Coors Light? there's an extra indention on the mouth of the can. Is that really ad worthy? I drank one last night, my mind was not blown. I didn't even notice until I looked down and said, "Indention?!"

#10 Pick - New England Patriots - Jerod Mayo - ILB, Tennessee - New England just filled Teddy Bruschi's position for later on. Beautiful move on their part. Forget the videotaping shit. The Patriots are just amazing, and they just got better. I love this pick. What are they supposed to do? Draft a QB? A WR? Well played.

Side note: Did Berman just say, "Hold the Mayo"? Pollack KILL!!!!

Side note: I just peed off of my deck. If you don't have a deck, I suggest you should build one. I have one that angles off of a hill, so if I angle my stream properly, I can get maybe 15-20 feet off the ground. It's fantastic.

#11 Pick - Buffalo Bills - Leodis McKelvin - CB, Troy - Ha ha ha! The lone Bills fans in the audience didn't like that pick. But, he should quit being a dumb ass because as much as I hate talking about defensive backs during this, I have done my homework a little more and McKelvin comes from Alabama. McKelvin is badass. Some scout was quoted on the radio the other day as saying, "If McKelvin played for USC or Ohio State, he'd be a top 5 pick."

Side note: Thank God for beer. Fucking Poe and Van Gogh were suckers for drinking that shit. And I am not having ANY hallucinations, but I'll be damned if this isn't the most poetic prose ever transcribed onto a computer screen.

#12 Pick - Denver Broncos - Ryan Clady - OT, Boise State - I love this pick. As great as the Broncos make their running backs (minus Travis Henry) they do great things for their QBs, too. I think he'll protect Cutlers ass, but for what? Cutler will still eff it up. Did I mention I think that Cutler isn't what he's cracked up to be?

Side note: Haii, I'm Sal Pow-lan-toe-nio. My vocal chords run directly through my nose. Wah wah wah wah...

Pick #13 - Carolina Panthers - Johnathan Stewart - RB, Oregon - Need a committee, take a committee. DeAngelo Williams high fived everyone when DeShaun Foster left now he's gonna have to call a carpenter to fix the hole in the floor that his jaw just left. Stewart's incredible if he can stay healthy. I said that Adrian Peterson probably couldn't stay healthy last season, my shoe tasted incredible, so now I'm gonna just leave it at Stewart's an incredible talent.

Side note: Don't you dare call my wife Nancy. It's Mrs. Barber, you punk! Are you sleeping wi th my wife?!!! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!! Man, I'm drunk...

Side note: Aaron's 312? What, does Rent-To-Own not afford you a full 500? "Sorry, if people just owned more than we rent we could probably afford like 415, maybe 425... But, for now we can only give you 312..."

Side note: Thank God Jaworski just showed up, I was running low on goobers to rag on.

Side note: Seattle Seahawks Key Loss: Josh Brown. I love that. Shaun Alexander is probably not as fond of it as I am.

Side note: Rex grossman is as late a bloomer as Bill Haverchuck.

Pick #14: Chicago bears - Chris Williams - OT, Vanderbilt - Yeah, that's what you needed, Chicago. Someone to protect your shitty QB and your crybaby RB. Hold on... What's that sound? Oh, that must be Bears fans organizing a riot. Williams is good, but possibly not the Bears first priority. I say possibly being polite.

Side note: The best WR is still available. Matt Millen is licking his chops.

Side note: The Lions traded the #15 pick to the the Chiefs

Pick #15: Kansas City Chiefs - Branden Albert - G, Virgina - Someone wake Branden up. He looks like a good pick. If they can't get anyone to replace Brody Croyle, might as well pick up someone to keep people from killing him. Although, if he did get killed they'd have to replace him which could be the best move of the offseason.

Pick #16: Arizona Cardinals - Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie - CB, Tennessee State - Why do I know so much about damn DBs these days? Cromartie is badass. Once again, a small school guy who is good enough to play at big levels. My only question is how will they fit his name on the jersey?

Side note: I'm not a fan of the new streamlined format, Goodell. I don't have time to rip on stupid things.

Pick #17: Detroit Lions - Gosder Cherilus - OT, Boston College - Who? Ha ha ha! Way to avoid Mendenhall, Millen! Jew so CRAZY, Millen! Who's he blocking for? Kitna? Nameless running back #1?

Side note: Looks like Flacco's gonna be the next Grbac and Dilfer.

Side note: Is it just me or is this the least interesting draft in a while? Berman should take off his shirt. What?

Side note: The Texans trade pick #18 to the Ravens.

Pick #18: Baltimore Ravens - Joe Flacco - QB, Delaware - He's the next Ben Roethlisberger. Gigantic and solid. I like him a lot. Way better than I like Matt Ryan. Great job for Ozzie Newsome and the Ravens. Now they need to figure out how to get him an exciting target.

Side note: The Eagles trade pick #19 to the Panthers.

Pick #19: Carolina Panthers - Jeff Otah - OT, Pittsburgh - Great selection despite the audience selection. They've got their RB committee, now they've got their solid blocker. And the stupid Lions took who? Glodis Something? Gosder... Idiots...

Side note: What's this crap? HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! They had to cut the talking heads off from their blah blah blah so they could introduce the armed forces. Whoops!

Side note: This is the pick I'm pumped about. I hope it's Devin Thomas. Although it won't be. Gruden's, right now, desperately searching for the "You my boy, Blue!" guy who somehow snuck into college at the age of 80 to do some Jello wrestling.

Side note: Eagles fans are furious right now. This amuses me to no end!

Pick #20: Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Aqib Talib - DB, Kansas - SEE! Do you SEE this shit?! They HAVE to pick a wide receiver! HAVE TO! And they pick Aqib Talib, the biggest bust prospect in the defensive backs this season. Every year I want to puke at the Bucs pick, and every year I do. Good for you for smoking pot. Just don't suck on the field. Damn I hate this pick so much...

Side note: Tirico hates the pick, too.

Side note: 5 minutes later, I still hate the Bucs pick. I love Gruden on the sideline, but I hate him in the office. i hate him so damn much in the office. I'd go take off my jersey now, but I'm not a Saints fan. (They take off their jerseys when they start losing in the Superdome. Saints fans suck.)

Side note: The Redskins trade pick #21 to the Falcons.

Side note: I guarantee here comes Devin Thomas. GUARANTEE IT!!!!

Pick #21: Atlanta Falcons - Sam Baker - OT, USC - Uh... That's a beard to be dealt with, for sure. I don't hate the pick because the Falcons are in the NFC South, so they can draft Ethel Merman for all I care.

Side note: ESPN is smart to shoot Rachel Nichols head on, so as to avoid resorting to a 16x9 aspect ratio to accomodate her nose.

Side note: I bet the Cowboys go Mendenhall. They don't want Barber to carry the whole load.

Side note: Quit showing Devin Thomas. I'm sick over it. I need another beer. By the way, I'm halfway through beer #3 after the absinthe by the way. D-R-U-N-K DRUNK! DRUNK! DRUNK!

Pick #22: Dallas Cowboy - Felix Jones - RB, Arkansas - Interesting choice. I think Mendehall is better. Felix Jones reminds me of a non-fat LenDale White. I guess they'd rather have someone used to sharing carries, but I'd bet that neither Marion Barber or Felix Jones is excited about this situation.

Side note: Rashard Mendenhall's pre-draft party looks like the tits! That looked like a strip club and I think I saw a Pabst Blue Ribbon in the background.

Pick #23: Pittsburgh Steelers - Rashard Mendenhall - RB, Illinois - How could you not take him? Willie Parker is great. Mendenhall is, too. Looks like the copycat bug has hit Pittsburgh as well. Look out for the Steelers rushing tandem. Sick, sick stuff, man... I don't love it, but I do fear it.

Side note: My fish tank is filthy. I need to clean it. Tomorrow...

Side note: What's that hood rat drinking at DeSean Jackson's party? Jones Soda or Grey Goose?

Side note: Uh oh! Steve Young wrote Devin thomas in ink! Must be true!

Pick #24: Tennessee Titans - Chris Johnson - RB, East Carolina - He's fast and small. The bizarro LenWhale White. I would say that the Titans are on the copycat train as well now, but I think they're just all out trying to replace LenWhale. He's an intersting pick. But, more importantly, I'm going to pee off of my deck again.

Side note: I hear Nirvana in the background. I sat here for a few seconds and can't think of anything interesting to say about this observation. Beer #4 just opened.

Side note: The Seahawks traded pick #25 to the Cowboys.

Pick #25: Dallas Cowboys - Mike Jenkins - DB, South Florida - Thank God! I don't know anything about this guy! I feel much better not knowing anything about defensive backs. My cat just jumped up on my laptop and frightened me. I should have left what she typed in midsentence, but alas, I did not...

Pick #26: Houston Texans - Duane Brown - OT, Virginia Tech - How many offensive linemen have to go in the first round until you have the lowest ratings in a televised NFL draft ever? I don't know, how many have been selected this time? 10? 12? I feel like I went home with a drunk chick and she fell asleep on the toilet while I'm laying in her bed right now...

Pick #27: San Diego Chargers - Antoine Cason - CB, Arizona - Ha! Thank you Tivo! I dosed off for a little while and had to rewind. I don't know anything about him, but I do know that the Chargers already have some of he best young defensive backs in the league. So, they just went crazy. There's another team that could've used a high caliber wide receiver that didn't take one.

Side note: Ugh... I have a head ache. I love drinking in the afteroon, but I hate not drinking in the evening. Hangovers at 8:00 suck ass.

Pick #28: Seattle Seahawks - Lawrence Jackson - DE, USC - He looks like a good pass rusher. But, honestly Jackson looks to me like a slightly above average player who got drafted in the first round because he went to USC. Meh...

Pick #29: San Francisco 49ers - Kentwan Balmer - DT, North Carolina - That's a big freakin' fella. He's supposed to play nose tackle in San Fran's new 3-4 defensive scheme. He doesn't look like he eats EVERYone's lunches, but he has been known to root around in the bus... What in the hell am I even talking about? Does it make sense to be the drunkest when the people who you've never heard of are being drafted? No!

Side note: The Packers have traded pick #30 to the Jets.

Side note: My oldest son just came home and said that Mel Kiper Jr. looks like a rooster. Best quip of the day!!!

Pick #30: New York Jets - Dustin Keller - TE, Purdue - Ha ha ha ha! The Jets faithful HATE IT! Lots of hands on heads and exasperated looks all around. Honestly, it's a good choice. Because who else have they got? Bubba Franks now? Bubba Franks lost it years ago and Chris Baker never had it. Why not get a playmaker SOMEwhere else besides inside a jersey that says Coles.

Side note: 50 different people were fooled by PIZZA HUT that they were in a regular New York restaurant opening? You're kidding. Pizza Hut? I call bullshit or else I congratulate on finding the 50 stupidest people on the planet. "Mmmm...what is that I taste? A hint of hot wing sauce?"

Side note: Wait, did Berman just compare Eli Manning and Joe Namath? Ugh...

Pick #31: New York Giants - Kenny Phillips - S, Miami - Man, the fans love him! What better way to end this year's Drinkin' and Draftin' than with another defensive back that I don't know anything about. I really don't care about the Giants or defensive backs, so I'm going to go eat dinner.

PEESH!

Labels: 2008 nfl draft, football, nfl, nfl draft, rookies

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