Judging the Character of Your Team
by Polish PowerhouseJune 18, 2008
Ever wonder which television or movie character best describes your favorite baseball team? No? Yeah, well, that’s probably normal. But, now that your interest is piqued, let me lay ‘em on the table for you:
Arizona Diamondbacks – The Monster from Cloverfield -
First, everything is normal. Business as usual. Then all of the sudden you show up, wreck up the place and disappear. Then, as we pull our heads out of the rubble, you sneak up on us again and kill everyone. No one knows how you got here or where you’re going, but we know you’re trouble.
Atlanta Braves – Michael Scott -
Somehow you made your way up the food chain to the top. Your position will for some reason always be secure, but while you’re at the top of your division, you’ll never quite make it all the way to the top, because you’re not smart, you’re kind of old, and run pretty poorly.
Baltimore Orioles – Jan Brady -
You’re not as old or hot as Marsha and not as innocent and cute as Cindy. You’re just stuck right in the middle and nobody besides George Glass ever notices you.
Boston Red Sox – The kids from Weird Science -
You couldn’t get the job done for years, got constantly beat on by Chet, and decided to manufacture your own girl. Now everyone is jealous of you and everyone finally wants to be your friend.
Chicago Cubs – Derrick Zoolander -
You lovable loser you. You’re devastatingly handsome, you get the hot chicks, and have yet to even unleash “Blue Steel”. But, you always seem to mispronounce “Eugoogly” and embarrass yourself.
Chicago White Sox – Lucy Van Pelt -
Jealous that most people love your neighbor more than you, you claw and scratch your way to the top, only to find resentment and the fact that regardless of your accomplishments or failures, Charlie Brown will always be the favorite Peanuts character.
Cincinnati Reds – Creed Bratton -
A former scrappy powerhouse, you haven’t aged well. Now you’re dying your hair black and trying to use a Blackberry to look younger. But, poor management and your own paranoia keeps you down. Everyone is a little afraid of you, but they know deep down you’re really just a creepy old man.
Cleveland Indians – Peter Petrelli -
You have gifts beyond your wildest imaginations. But, you can’t control them. They don’t always work when you want them to, and they misfire when you don’t expect it. You could save the world, but there’s something somewhere holding you back that we just can’t fully understand.
Colorado Rockies – Freddy Krueger -
You thought, given your circumstances, that you were way too powerful to be defeated. So, you volunteered to put yourself at a disadvantage. You stepped out of the dream world and now you find yourself with your own glove stuck in your belly and a pipe bomb shoved in your chest. Boom!
Detroit Tigers – Dan Conner -
You married a fat chick, but no worries, you’re fat too! You have no money and even though you’re pretty subconsciously pissed off about what your life has become, people love and identify with you anyway.
Florida Marlins – The Doozers -
You build and you build and you create grand masterpieces out of nothing, then the Fraggles come along and eat the whole damn thing! Then you have to rebuild it. And you do. And it’s once again a masterpiece. Then they eat it AGAIN! DAMMIT!
Houston Astros – E.B. Farnum -
You had clout back in the day. But, now you’re a powerful man since being named mayor. But, despite the power and the title, you’re a babbling fool and you tend to cower away and fall on your face to the delight of those around you. You could be so powerful if you only respected yourself.
Kansas City Royals – Corky -
Everyone pities you and gets excited when you do something good, but when you’re not around everyone’s a bit embarrassed to know you and makes fun of you a little.
Los Angeles Angels – Apu Nahasapeemapetilon -
With your nearly indecipherable name, you struggle for an identity. You’re a major character in the show. You tend to come out ahead in the long run, but it’s mostly due to the stupidity of those you associate with.
Los Angeles Dodgers – Matlock -
Your older fans remember you as the snappy Sherriff on The Andy Griffith Show. They grew up with you and will love you forever. Today’s fans only know you as Matlock, and they’re mostly just watching you totter around hoping you’ll forget your medication and call the plaintiff Aunt Bea.
Milwaukee Brewers – Xena -
You constantly fight through adversity and wind up doing well for yourself. You have a reasonable fanbase of fat guys who can balance bowls of cheese curls on their bellies. But, those who don’t watch you find you boring and don’t really care what happens on your show.
Minnesota Twins – Homer Simpson -
Though largely inexplicable, you somehow end up on the good side of things. You bumble around with bad decisions and general buffoonery, yet at the end of the day people love you and you somehow manage to make ends meet against great odds.
New York Mets – Theo Huxtable -
With delusions of grandeur brought forth by being brought up in a wealthy household, you think you can go out and become a model and live on your own buying nice cars and hot women. In reality, you’re dyslexic and will have to struggle through your existence to achieve mediocrity.
New York Yankees – Roy Stalin -
You’re an egotistical jerk. You win everything, you get all the hot chicks. But, most everyone, aside from your chuckling meathead cronies, hates you. And, just like Lane Meyer kicked your ass on the K-12, you’ll get yours.
Oakland Athletics – Les Stroud -
You’re in the middle of nowhere. You have nothing. Yet, every episode you pull together some palm fronds, a few sticks, the tripod from your camera, some mud, and you survive every damn time.
Philadelphia Phillies – Zack Morris -
Cool, old school, and hot. You rule the school these days. But, everyone knows you’re going to get into some hijinks and wind up in Mr. Belding’s office for detention and daddy’s going to take your Porche away.
Pittsburgh Pirates – Bill Haverchuck -
You hang out with a group of losers, yet somehow you have outted yourself as the biggest loser of them all.
San Diego Padres – Mrs. Garrett -
You teach your kids well. You expect better things of them, but the next thing you know, Tootie’s bringing home a bong, Blair’s sleeping with the football team, and Jo runs off to California on her motorcycle to find her kind of love. It’s not long before you realize these kids are really bringing you down.
San Francisco Giants – Johnny Drama -
You’ve been reliant on your “bro” Vinnie Chase for so long, that you’ve forgotten what life is without him. Now that you’ve got your own apartment and Vinnie doesn’t come around as much, the girls don’t come around as much anymore, do they?
Seattle Mariners – Balki Bartokomous -
You haven’t been popular since 1992, either. Now you’re just Cousin Larry’s foreign speaking roommate, good for a few laughs but most of us just happened across you accidentally.
St. Louis Cardinals – Jean Luc Picard -
Old and powerful. You are loved and respected by your fans. But, there is also a very large portion of the world who worship your predecessor. That portion hates you, yet you continue to thrive. But, deep down, you know you’ll never be the captain that Kirk was.
Tampa Bay Devil Rays – Ralphie -
Still relatively a kid, although you’re getting older. All you’ve ever wanted was that Red Rider BB Gun with a compass in the stock, and you keep getting pink bunny suits, socks, Chinese turkey… Well, look behind that desk, Tampa Bay, there might be a Red Rider back there THIS season.
Texas Rangers – Inspector Gadget -
You run around fighting crime, thinking that you look good as you do it. But, little do you know it’s really just Penny and Brain covering for you. Without those two carrying you, you’d just be another idiot cop.
Toronto Blue Jays – Kimmy Gibler -
You come over and think you can hang out and be a part of the Tanner family. They treat you well, but in the long run you’re just a weird looking, lanky secondary character on the show for goofy comic relief.
Washington Nationals – Becky Conner -
Everyone knows the REAL Becky left after a few seasons and was replaced by the chick from Scrubs. We can pretend we didn’t notice for the sake of the show, but really the only reason we don’t mention it is because you were a cranky little girl before and you’re a cranky little girl now.
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Some of these are spot on (Red Sox, Rays, Blue Jays) but some just don’t quite hit the mark (Phillies, Angels.)
Pretty funny stuff though
I definitely struggled on some of them. Phillies and Angels, specifically (plus a few more). I was trying to think of a character who started strong and finished weak for the Phillies and Apu was the only character I could think of whose name was WAY too long, I just winged it the rest of the way on them.
i want my two dollars!!!
Goddamnit, Zoolander go to look was Blue Steel. It was Magnum that he hadn’t unleashed yet.
Blue Steel fit better with the Cubs theme, I thought. But, perhaps you’re right…
i don’t like you, you make me want to hurt people, your list was terrible, i award you no points and may god have no mercy on your soul
10 points for the Billy Madison reference! That’s quacktastic!!!
The Phillies would be Fletcher Reede (as a father, not a lawyer) before the obligatory cheesy movie revelation. Awesome and entertaining when he’s actually around and on his game, but always making promises he doesn’t keep and never showing up at the most important times.
The royals and mets killed me. Funny list.
have you been to a Phillies game lately? it’s like going to a college frat party and all the chicks want Chase Utley. Zack Morris kind of makes sense.
Who is St. Louis’s real-life predecessor in this metaphor?
If it’s the Yankees(?), then it’s more like Ryker to Picard or Sulu to Kirk or any number of references amongst a million lovable second-fiddles.
Maybe Kramer…a lot of people’s favorite character, but not the star. Most of the time seems to have no clue but still comes out on top.
You deserve +2,393 points for choosing Les Stroud over Bear Grylls.
Bear Grylls hurt me in a way that is irreparable. He cheated and now he does Fear Factor in the wilderness. What WON’T Bear eat? Next on Man vs. Wild!
In a fist fight, okay, Bear would win. Left alone in the woods, Les would be dining on Bear’s thigh by Day 8.
And let me add a post script to that:
Bear Grylls was my favorite person in the world for a few months. But, then you start noticing “Why isn’t he wet any more?” Then, it comes out that it’s all faked anyways. Then, he goes from my favorite show on TV to eating bugs in desolate locations. I could deal with the sleeping in hotels and whatnot, it was kind of obvious after a while that he wasn’t doing what he said he was. But, watching him stoop to not so much surviving as just eating bugs for our amusement is the equivalent of watching Hendrix hock Froot By The Foot on Saturday morning cartoons.
great stuff. What are your thoughts on the rest of 2010?…..i’m a bull here!
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