Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual Sports Blogolympics! It’s a place where the finest sports bloggers have gathered together to match wits and show off their writing prowess. Quite often ridiculed by the few, the asinine, the compensated sports writers of America, we stand proud. We constantly scoop the press, we make light where only darkness has been seen! We use hyperbole better than any eighth grader alive! And today…today, we have gathered before you to take part in an event that will separate the genius from the brilliant. So without further ado, I present you our first event, The Hacky, Contrite Sports article!
Voting takes place at the bottom of this article. If you don’t vote, then Peter Gammons wins…
Hugging Harold Reynolds
While the competition called for us to produce the most “eye-rolling drivel we could force our keyboard to accept,” if we gave judges our “best/worst hackneyed approach to sports journalism,” we would be doing the profession a disservice by trying to compete with the hyperbole-laden, nut-wrenching precedent already set by some of the most recognizable pundits in the sports arena.
Whatever we spouted, we would only be showing our incompetence in the verbal and written realm of sports hackdom.
How could we possibly compete with the most well-beloved fraud/hack himself, Hall of Fame Masshole, “The Godfather” Peter Gammons? As if being a hack writer weren’t enough, he needed to be a hack commentator and musician to boot. Smarmy. Condescending.
There’s the “Namedropper,” Bobby Moore. You know Bobby. He is on a first name basis with the NBA legend and degenerate gambler/adulterer, Michael. He changed his moniker to Ahmad Rashad after his first wife and before his next three. (It’s a religious thing). He’s happy. He’s non-threatening. He hangs out with Michael Jordan!
There’s the “Afterthought,” Rick Reilly. Who’s back-page, feel-good drivel was apparently just what was missing at ESPN the Magazine, the New York Times of sports journalism.
There’s the “Chuckwagon,” Sir Charles. He says what he wants, to who he wants, how he wants. That’s a good thing, right? And no one has the balls to call him out on it, lest the be spit on or put through a plate glass window – or worse yet, get sued (or as we call it, “Caliendoed“).
Speaking of Caliendo, John Madden, the “Coach,” renowned in the world of broadcasting for…well, being a fat, mumbling pitchman. One of football’s true treasures.
The “Huckster” and the “San Fransisco Treat” – at least the banter between Woody and Skip was amusing, even if neither knew his ass from the proverbial hole in the ground. They played the role of the clown and the closet-gay antagonist well. Still do.
The “Fraud.” I know it’s regional, but a list of hacks couldn’t be complete without Philly’s own “Chief” Howard Eskin. Homer apologist and home wrecker.
There’s the “Fanboy.” Bill Simmons, you once were the idol of many aspiring would-be bloggers. Now you’re their public enemy number one. But what do you care? You’re getting paid, living in LA and attending ESPN parties with the guys you prided yourself as keeping an armsdistance from. Yet, you can’t shake your effeminant lisp. Cute. “Sports Guy” sounds like a pubescant girl. Should have stuck with writing.
And finally, there’s each and every one of us so-called “bloggers.” We aren’t immune. We are all hacks. Who do we think we are? Like all the “journalist” and “commentator”-types above, we rely on others to perform on world-class levels, because we, ourselves, cannot. But, unlike them, at least we recognize our place on the spectrum and do not inflate our self-worth. And we do not speak in code.
Without the Peter Gammonses, there would still be Ted Williamses. Without the Ted Williamses, there would be no Peter Gammonses.
If only we could have our cake and eat it to.
Press Conference Announcing The Hungry Actor’s Participation in the Blogolympics.
First of all The Hungry Actor would like to thank God-without him nothing is possible. Secondly The Hungry Actor would like to ask God forgiveness for the beat down he is going to put on the competition in these Blogolympics. Some of you may say that Blogging is a team sport and that there is no “I” in team. Well The Hungry Actor is dyslexic and he says that there is a ME.
Blogging is a marathon not a race. It’s a game of inches. But at the same time you don’t have time to feel your opponent out. NO! You have to jump into that pressure cooker and draw first blood. Once you get those competitive juices flowing you start to feel the electricity in the air and its time to face your opponent head on, take that gut check and when the smoke clears-no question about it-you will see that you have lost and The Hungry Actor will stand over you victorious.
Why? Because The Hungry Actor is a tough, hard-nosed, scrappy impact player. The Hungry Actor is a man among boys-a man-child if you will-who has ice water in his veins. The Hungry Actor is blogger who has elevated his game and is worth the price of admission. You cannot hope to stop The Hungry Actor you can only hope to contain him.
The Hungry Actor promises you that he will take it one blog at a
time, give it 110 percent and leave it all out on the keyboard every single time. The Hungry Actor is going to dig deeper than he has ever dug before and he can guarantee victory!
Thank you and God bless!
Top 10 Reasons Boston Teams and Fans Suck
1. The teams are overhyped. I’m so over the Patriots, Celtics and Red Sox. And Tom Brady. Earth to ESPN, covering Boston all the time is older than Greg Oden. Talk about my favorite team more and stop the East Coast bias.
2. The Sports Guy. What a freakin’ hack. He writes the same thing every time and always talks about Boston teams. Seriously Simmons, could you BE anymore washed-up? No matter what J-Bug and Hench tell you, nobody likes Karate Kid references anymore. What is your job title at ESPN? Boston Homer and Shark Jumping Champion.
3. Bill Buckner. Take that, jackweed! Burn!
4. These chicks aren’t their cheerleaders. They’re so smoking hot!
A reader looked over the blonde’s shoulder at the computer lab on campus and got her email, so we’ve checked her Facebook page 30 times an hour. And she just posted these pics.
5. Speaking of chicks, Erin Andrews is sooooo hot. Here’s our 12th picture this week.
6. They’re racist. Did you know that? They seriously hate all black people in the city. Except Bill Russell, but he had to win like 20 championships before they’d even let him eat in a restaurant with them or use the same pool.
7. 18-1. The New Cheatland Patriots choked massholes, get over it and stop bringing it up months after the fact. Why don’t you stick that in your illegal video camera footage.
8. They tawk like they’re retawded. Here’s a typical cawnversashun:
“I’m wicked Queeah!”
“Then pawk your green mawnstah in my Big Dig”
What a bunch of douchebags.
9. Did I mention ESPN overhypes their teams? It’s such a problem that I need to mention it twice.
10. Dane Cook. He’s just not funny and he steals bits. I call them bits because he doesn’t even tell any jokes.
Sean, aka oflarity, aka O, aka Ogueira, aka “Hey You!” – from the Sports Muffin here. You’re probably asking yourself, “Self, what’s a sports muffin?” Well, I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you! Haha, not really, I’m just joshin’ ya – but I had you goin’, didn’t I? Anyway, back to business – some might call me the quarterback of this little operation. Bottom of the 9th, down 3 runs, bases loaded, I’m the one the coach calls to the plate. Boom goes the dynamite.
But enough about me – we’re here for the Blogolympics. I can assure you, the Muffin is locked and loaded, ready to knock this one out of the park. We’re dotting all our i’s, crossing all our t’s, and getting down to business – doin’ it for the Benjamins (yeah, that’s right, there’s a $100 pot of gold at the end of this rainbow. I need to thank the sponsors, DraftMix.com, for putting food on my unborn kids’ respective tables). WE BELIEVE. Cocky? Arrogant? Nah. Confident. One blog at a time, that’s our mantra.
I asked my fellow Muffin blogger, the Hairy Guatemalan, to see what his thoughts were heading into this battle. Here’s what he had to say:
“We think this is a really good test for us as a team. We just plan on going out there and executing. We’re looking for a total team effort from all our guys. We as the Muffin need to persevere and settle for nothing less than a W. We’re going to face a lot of adversity out there, and it’s really going to be a test of our character. There’s no “I” in team, though, you know? We have to give it 110% and leave it all out on the page. This is what you dream about as a kid. Every day we thank Jesus for this opportunity and for giving us the strength to type on our Apple Macintosh computers. But in the end we do it for the fans who have been there with us every step of the way – the best fans in the blogosphere. I mean, what can I say, it is what it is. We couldn’t do it without them.”
Couldn’t have said it better myself, HG. Or maybe I could have – through a Top 10 List:
Top 10 Reasons the Sports Muffin Will Win the Blogolympics
1. You can’t touch this.
2. We’re bringing our A-Game.
3. We’re prepared for a battle of epic proportions.
4. We’re the sentimental favorites.
5. We get the most out of our bloggers and take advantage of opportunities.
6. This is a marathon, not a sprint. We invented Marathon Day.
7. We’re turning up the intensity, stepping up, and making plays.
8. We’re hungry, ready to pull out all the stops.
9. We stick to fundamentals and eliminate mental mistakes.
10. Contests like these are our bread-and-butter.
11. Because this one goes to 11.
A message to our competition: you better eat your Wheaties and open up those playbooks, because the Sports Muffin is bringing the heat.
So, there you have it. The first entries to the 2008 Sports Blogolympics are in the book. Now it’s up to you to select the winner of this event and come back next week to judge the next event. See you then!