The Associated Press held it’s annual voting for NFL’s Most Offensive Player of the Year award today. Seventy-six journalists cast their ballots and determined Dick “Darkie” Rapecock the winner.
Rapecock had a quiet season on the grid iron, but by Sunday evening, Rapecock could be found attending local Neo-Nazi gatherings or sneaking into the NFL’s Play60 foundation to heckle fat kids. Rapecock’s lone on-field highlight came in the 12th minute of the 4th quarter against the Browns in Week 15 when after recovering a fumble, he ran the ball into the end zone and enacted a celebratory dance that consisted of pretending that the ball was a new puppy, petting and cradling it just before pulling out a switchblade and stabbing it repeatedly. He then spat on the deflated pigskin and left it flat on the ground.
“Darkie” Rapecock was a heavy favorite going into the off season, but faced stiff competition from Peter Enemabag and the dark horse favorite, Willie Prolapsed-Anus III.
Rapecock will spend his offseason in Alaska, clubbing baby seals for his foundation, “The Darkie Rapecock Punch AIDS in the Cunt Foundation”.