Hi, everybody! Here we are about an hour out of the 74th annual NFL Draft. This is also the 4th annual ArmAss! Drinking & Drafting live blog. Immediately upon turning on NFL Network a moment ago I was greeted by Neon Deion Sanders’ smiling face as he strolled past NFL.com’s very much alive, but very much old, Gil Brandt. He stopped, the camera panned over to Gil and Neon Deion quipped “And there’s the late great Gil Brandt.” Ah, Neon Deion calling old people dead. I’m pumped this year, let’s open the ceremonial first beer. This year, we’re sponsored by Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Ah! A blessing from Jacob Pabst himself! Bottles of Pabst have playing cards inked beneath the cap, first beer, Jack of Hearts. Nailed it!
Currently watching NFL Network’s Predraft Show.
I would like to mention the very same thing that I’m sure everyone else is mentioning: Matthew Stafford $72 million…$78 with incentives…$41.7 million guaranteed… Redorkulous. He’s going to be incredibly popular with the 22.2% unemployment rate in Detroit.
Bold statement: Both Matt Stafford and Mark Sanchez will flop like Kathy Bates naked on a trampoline.
Side note: Jersey football? San Dimas High School Football RULES!!!
Side note: Go Lions! 1957 World Champs. Good sign, brotha…
Side Note: Rich Eisen said, “Matthew Stafford spreadin’ his legs…” Ha ha ha! Whoops! That whore!
Side note: Unknown musicians making songs for things like the NFL Draft seems like girls doing DVDA porn in hopes of moving on to Hollywood. That song made me feel dirty…
OK, I’m flipped back over to ESPN. I can’t not watch Mel Kiper and Chris Berman.
Here we go!
#1. Detroit Lions – Matthew Stafford – QB – Georgia: I’ve already stated my opinion on Fat Face. I know it hurts to go to the Lions, but I am VERY pleased to see him not pulling an Eli Manning while holding the jersey. His girlfriend/sister is way hot.
Side note: I may be the only man in America who thinks Erin Andrews fucking sucks. She may be hot, but that’s just not enough.
Side note: Sitting in Mark Sanchez’s living room looks like it would make me incredibly nervous or angry. What do you even call that color red? Infuriating Red? Vibrating Psycho?
Side note: I think Jason Smith knows something that we don’t…
Side note: I think somebody just traded a pick, but Steve Young won’t shut the fuck up! Berman looks perturbed…
#2. St. Louis Rams – Jason Smith – Tackle – Baylor: He looks like a beast. Not sure he’s gonna stick it out as a left tackle for long, he doesn’t quite look big enough — as if 6’5” 305 isn’t big enough for anything — and he used to be a tight end. But, I think Orlando Pace had some shoes that you could drive bus into and not be filled.
Side note: I’m moving this party out to the deck in preparation of my family returning from Chuck E. Cheese.
Side note: Shit, the fan out here is making some wacky noises, I hope it doesn’t fall on my head. If this is as far as I get, know that I was killed by an errant ceiling fan.
Beer #1 down the pipe.
Side note: We’re always wondering what you’re talking about Steve Young…
#3. Kansas City Chiefs – Tyson Jackson – DE – LSU: I like him, but the Chiefs have so many damn holes in the offense, I don’t like wasting the pick on him. I do however love the fact that they felt comfortable making this pick because Matt Cassel just pulls the offense together. I love that because it’s the stupidest thing ever…
Side note: Moby covering School House Rock is a great song.
Side note: My son’s t-ball team played against a team full of Danny Almontes today I think. We got our asses handed to us…
#4 Seattle Seahawks – Aaron Curry – LB – Wake Forrest: Ha ha! They were tricking us all along! Crying already, huh, Curry? Wait until you get to Seattle.
Side note: Erin Andrews is calling you out for crying Aaron Curry! He seems like a great person, though. I shouldn’t make fun of him. But, still…fuck Erin Andrews.
Side note: KFC’s president is Australian? Budweiser is owned by Belgians? Is anything truly American anymore?
Side note: Cleveland Browns trade pick #5 with the New York Jets
Side note: I’d be interested who the Jets just threw away on a ridiculously expensive odds on flop…
#5 New York Jets – Mark Sanchez – QB – USC: The one Jets fan shaking his head knows what’s up. Mark Sanchez falls under the same blanket as Matt Cassel. You put a mediocre QB on one of the world’s best offensive schemes, he’s gonna fool the shit out of a lot of people. Once Sanchez runs across a regular NFL linebacker that is the equivalent of TWO college LBs, you’re gonna see Matt Leinart part Deux. Insert Price Is Right loser trombones here.
Side note: The Browns get pick #17 a second round pick and a handful of farts. Meh…
Side note: 90 degrees out here… P-SHAW!
Side note: If you pay $40 for a WWE pay per view contest… Fuck you. From the bottom of my heart. You really suck.
#6. Cincinnatti Bengals – Andre Smith – OT – Alabama: Now THIS is an OT. He’s ridiculous. There were a few weeks where he was slated as the #1 overall pick. He fucked up by being wishy washy in the off season, but seriously, how can you go wrong? The guy is a BEAST. Right on.
Bold prediction: Michael Crabtree goes to Oakland. I betcha. Nothing Oakland likes better than a high risk, high reward.
Side note: Steve Young says “Without Carson Palmer upright, this team is nothing.” You mean in order to win, they need to make sure that the QB is OFF his ass? Ooooohhhhhhh… Earth shattering! Monday Night Football, I think we’ve found Madden’s replacement!
#7. Oakland Raiders – Darrius Heyward-Bey – WR – Maryland: Scratch that. Heyward-Bey is actually a higher risk than Crabtree, but a worse receiver. So, the pick makes sense for the fucking idiots running their ballclub.
Side note: Michael Crabtree’s pink shirt rivals our flowery background. You go, boy!
Side note: Beer #2 being turned into pee.
#8. Jacksonville Jaguars – Eugene Monroe – OT – Virginia: Once again, a team with more offensive holes than a clown porn orgy, it’s hard to pick a hole to fill. Ha ha ha…hole to fill. I feel it. They got Torry Holt, might have been wise to pull in a Crabtree to learn under the master for a while. Oh, fuck you Kiper! Don’t steal what I’m typing! Anywho…good enough pick, but could have been better.
Bold prediction: My last one flopped, so I feel a streak coming on. But, I betcha we see a trade here for Crabtree. The Packers don’t really need him…
Side note: So, I guess BJ Raji’s going to the Packers… I should rename the “Bold Predictions” into “Talking From My Ass”.
#9. Green Bay Packers – B.J. Raji – DT – Boston College: I like it. I think they could have gotten something solid a few picks down had they have traded their pick. But, for all I know they were trying and no one was biting. You can’t argue against B.J. Raji though. He’s sick, and now you’ve got B.J. and A.J. up the middle. Sounds like the Packer’s defense wants some blood again. I like it.
Side note: I got nothing in this break. My dog is incredibly lazy.
#10. San Francisco 49ers – Michael Crabtree – WR – Texas Tech: I like it. If they only had a QB to trhow it to him, I’d love it. Shaun Hill/Alex Smith to Michael Crabtree is like serving Steak Oscar on a paper plate. I fucking love Steak Oscar…
Side note: Damn! That was quick… Give me a second to be snide! Aaron Maybin looks devastated. Must be the Bills…
#11. Buffalo Bills – Aaron Maybin – DE – Penn State: He doesn’t look so tough to me. But, I can’t remember a smart pick that the Bills have ever made.
Side note: Steve Young on T.O. “He likes to fill the space given to him. There’s a lot of things that could go wrong, but there’s a lot of things that could go right.” So, whatever happens, just remember that Steve Young was right…
Side note: HA! Knowshon Moreno knows how to deal with stress! Poker during the draft! Awesome!
#12. Denver Broncos – Knowshon Moreno – RB – Georgia: Love it! Good for Knowshon. You don’t have to be the best RB to be great in Denver. It could be different now that Shannahan is out, but regardless I love the pick.
#13. Washington Resdskins – Brian Orakpo – DE – Texas: Damn, that was fast. Sounds like Daniel Snyder came on his card when Moreno got picked. Takehimtakehimtakehimtakehim!!!
Side note: Sharapova makes over Matt Stafford? That sounds gayer that 8 dudes blowing 9 dudes…
Side note: Beer #3 vanquished.
Side note: Oop… The family’s home from Chuck E. Cheese.
#14. New Orleans Saints – Malcolm Jenkins – CB – Ohio State: Why not Vontae Davis? (Beer is making typing Vontae hard…) Jenkins is solid and the Saints HAD to pick a DB. HAD TO! So, they filled the right spot, but I think it was the wrong guy.
Side note: Texans Key Arrivals: Dan Orlavsky? That’s a silk hat on a pig…
#15. Houston Texans – Brian Cushing – LB – USC: I was hoping he’d make it to Tampa’s pick. He’s solid. With all their high picks over the years, Houston is quietly building a ridiculously stout defense. However, his ponytail reminds me of the suit salesman that sells Jerry a suit on Seinfeld.
Side note: Oh, Cushing is more than happy to “do this”. He’s doing the Texans a favor! I didn’t realize Cushing was a prick. Good to know!
Side note: It’s good to see Jeremy Maclin dressed up for the event…
#16. San Diego Chargers – Larry English – LB – Northern Illinois: Oooohhhh… OK. I didn’t catch a Northern Illinois game….ever. But, I do think that Chris Berman is a bloated bag of hot air. “Put ‘em on the table Shawne Merriman!! We just drafted the MAC player of the year!”
Side note: My children came home wearing Bootsy Collins sunglasses.
Trade: Cleveland Browns traded the #17th pick to the Tampa Bay Bucanneers
Side note: I’m all aflutter! I haven’t had time to get anxious! It’s all coming out now! This pick always makes me upset….
#17. Tampa Bay Bucanneers – Josh Freeman – QB – Kansas State – Quarterback in the first round! This is exciting and scary all at once! I’m so pumped to see them making efforts to move their offense forward. At 6’6” 250, he’s the size of an offensive guard. I don’t normally get excited about big QBs. But, I am really glad to see efforts to address the Bucs’ offense, even if it does cause them to fall on their face.
Side note – I’m busting… But, I’m very nervous.
#18. Denver Broncos – Robert Ayers – DE – Tennessee: SEC big men are always sick. We only eat cornbread, buttermilk, and meat down here. Another solid pick.
Side note: Steve Young is a jilted lover. Boy, he hates Josh McDaniels…
Trade: Cleveland browns trade the 19th pick to the Philadelphia Eagles.
Side note: Well, this is a different scenario for the Eagles, usually their on the other side of trading draft picks.
Side note: Ah, Maclin put on a shirt. Looks like Philly’s gonna have the youngest WR corps since Detroit. That turned out well…
#19. Philadelphia Eagles – Jeremy Maclin – WR – Missouri: My cousin is the strength coach for Missouri. We’re both big fans of this guy. I’m not a fan of the Eagles, so I feel bad for Maclin. He probably won’t see a whole lot of action.
Side note: Man, everyone at ESPN hates the pick from Keyshawn to Mortenson. So, I’m feeling good about it being a solid pick. I just wish he didn’t wind up with the Eagles…
Side note: Beer #4 empty.
#20 Detroit Lions – Brandon Pettigrew – TE – Oklahoma State: I’m VERY intrigued by this very NON Matt Millen pick. I really kind of like this pick here. Pettigrew’s a solid blocker, plus a great receiver. They needed protection for Stafford and they kind of got it. They needed a new target after losing Roy Williams and several bad WR picks, and they got that too. Let’s see hwo he does against NFL types.
#21 Cleveland Browns – Alex mack – C – California: All of these trades for alex Mack? OK… I won’t pretend that I know anything about him, but I am getting a kind of drunk…
Side note: I just peed for the first tie, opening up the flood gates. I also just stiole my kid’s chicken nuggets from lunch. One last thing, I’m no longer gonna fix my typos…
#22 Minnesota Vikings – Percy Harvin – WR – Florida: Good luck with all that, Minnesota. He’s failed more drug tests than I’ve failed chemistry exams. So, you just got yourself a first round punt returner who LOVES the reefer! Well done, dumbass!
Side note: Bust the bottle on his head! Bust the bottle on his head! Damn…just a lime squirt.
#23 Baltimore ravens – Michael Oher – OT – Mississippi: I’m a sucker for a good sob story. Being from the SEC I’ve seen him a few tiems. He’s pretty amazing. Baltimore knows how to make a badass o-lineman. Oher just said, he could’ve gone in the 7th round and played for 10+ years. Try and take his position from him. I dare you. Just wait,
#24 Atlanta Falcons – Peria Jerry – DT – Mississippi: He’s solid, but I had to break up a bicker fight between my kids and now I’m behind and frustrated.
#25 Miami Dolphins – Vontae Davis – CB – Illinois: Vernon’s little brother. This guy could have gone several picks ago. He’s a badass. You know I don’t give a shit about DBs, but this is one of the most talked about DBs in a while. If Parcells is down with him, I am, too.
Side notes: I love that Bellichick’s all like, “Fuck yo draft!” We’ll bring in Grampa Seau and still kick your ass with matt Cassel! I don’t care about the Patriots all that much, but I lLOVE a good jerkass.
Trade: New England Patriots trade the 26th pick to the Green Bay Packers.
Side note: See?
#26 Green Bay Packers – Clay Matthews – LB – USC: Holy shit! The Packers have a young SICK defense. You’ve had the Steel Curtain, the Purple People Eaters…get ready for the Cheese Enema, because these guys are gonna be up your ASS!
Side note: That guy in the color guard looks like Red from Friday, “Man, my grandmomma gave me that chain!”
#27 Indianapolis Colts – Donald Brown – RB – Conneticut: That’s INSANE! Why…WHY in the fuck would you draft an RB with a still very young, very fresh, and improving Joseph Addai on your roster? Yeah he had shoulder trouble, but that was a wasted pick. Plus, it fucks up anyone with Addai as their keeper in fantasy leagues. To quote The Jesus, “What’s this BOOLSHIT?!”
Side note: I don’t know when I last posted a beer count, but I just opened #6. I’m on a 2 beer per hour rate, and officially drunk. Thank god for my wife. Totally hot, totally awesome!
#28 Buffalo Bills – Eric Wood – C – Louisville: Uhhh… HA HA HA HA!!!! I love that the best thing Berman could come up with initially is “Where’s he from? Uhhhhh…he is a four year starter.” Of course Mel Kiper starts rattling off bullshit to pull Berman out of the mud. My wife just told me she’s making red beans and rice for dinner. Right on!
Side note: Which is worse? Coors Light commercials or Corona commercials? I vote Corona, although it’s a tight race. I just fucking hate their cutesy plays on perspective. OOO! That WASN’T an umbrella in the bottle, it was on the beach behind it! OOO! I should be on the beach drinking this instead of here in my bathroom!
#29 New York Giants – Hakeem Nicks – WR – North Carolina – Well, they got their receiver. Doesn’t really look like a #1 WR, and neither does Steve “the Other One” Smith. You knew they were going that direction, and that was probably the best they could do, but they should have busted ass for Braylon Edwards hours ago. Oh well for YOU, Eli! Take that!
Side note: Sal Pow-lan-wah-wah-wah knows WAY too much about Anquan Boldin’s body. Still not as uncomfortable as Ron jaworski talking about Brady Quinn’s sculpted model body, but still unwittingly gay.
Side note: NO WAY the Titans just drafted Beanie Wells! NO WAY!
#30 Tennessee Titans – Kenny Britt – WR – Rutgers: Huh? I don’t watch a lot of Ivy League football either. Is he a nappy headed ho? Oh…sorry. Oh good comparison, “You know who else didn’t run the fastest 40 ever? Jerry Rice.” Does that mean that I could be a great receiver as well?!
Side note: Beanie must’ve been smiling because he’s about to be a Cardinal. Now THAt actually makes sense so…
Bold prediction: Beanie Wells is about to be a Cardinal. Bet. BET!
Side note: I’d like to go shoot some hoops real quick, but I’ve got 2 more picks, and the red beans and rice are ready… Shit.
Side note: 6 beers is enough for me. Sorry to disappoint…
Side noet: If I was stuck in the room with only Sal Paulantonio and Pedro Gomez, my ears would start to bleed…
#31 Arizona Cardinals – Beanie Wells – RB – Ohio State: First off, how in the hell did he drop so far? Second off, holy shit! Watch out for the Cardinals. How in the hell do you go to the Super Bowl and then turn around and draft the best RB in the draft when that was the only hole in your offense? Redorkulous!
Side note: My kids must not be watching football any more, because their eyes are fixed on the television right now.
Side note: I’ve just been informed that it’s Looney Toons.
Sside note: My wife just sent out a quesadilla for me as an appetizer. I love her dearly. How could you not? Wait a second…sorry to get all fruity. She’s not as hot as your mom.
#32 Pittsburgh Steelers – Ziggy Hood – DT – Missouri: Another Mizzou guy! You better give Keith Caton credit where credit is due! My boy’s got a man on the World Champion Steelers! I love the Steelers’ D, and it just got even tougher. Awesome end to the first round.
Side note: I bet Malauga comes up right here for the Patriots
Side note: Wrong…
End transmission…
Hmmm...I got nothin'...
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