In Hollywood, they love a good remake. Be it a sequel, or a big screen remake of a television show, or just a recreation of a movie that’s already been made. Sometimes using your brain is just too much to ask. Man, don’t I know… With that being said, I give you an article I wrote two years ago revamped for 2009. The information contained within still holds very true. Enjoy!
1. Thou shalt not use your draft to prove your genius - Every league has THAT guy. The guy who’s gonna take Brian Robiskie WAY too early, and then use his draft to fill his roster with every Shonn Greene and Kenny Britt he can get his hands on. The premise is that if they do great, then theyre a genius. If they flop, PFFT! It’s a classic low risk, high reward situation. No, it’s not. It’s you trying to look better than everyone else, and you look like an asshole and you’re gonna fuck up your team. There’s nothing wrong with picking proven players even when that shiny new sleeper is available.
2. Thou shalt have your money for the jackpot before you draft Don’t be a jerk. You’ve known for months that this was coming up, have your money ready before you draft. No one wants to win their jackpot in installments for the duration of 2010, you cheap bastard.
3. Thou shalt not get TOO drunk prior to the 5th Round If you show up to your draft shitfaced, then God have mercy on your team. You thought alcohol made that fat, double-amputee look good at the bar, wait until you wake up and realize you drafted Tampa Bay’s defense…in the first round (I’ve seen it happen before… Embarrassing!)
4. Thou shalt not get caught in the tight end rush It happens every year, and it will happen this year, too. In the 4th Round, someone will select Jason Witten. Shortly afterward, someone will pick Antonio Gates. Then Tony Gonzalez, and Dallas Clark, and Chris Cooley…until next thing you know Zach Miller just got drafted in the 5th Round. After Dallas Clark gets selected and you don’t have a tight end…let it go, man…let it go…
5. Thou shalt keep track of EVERYONE’S picks It’s hard to tell which is more irritating and more worthy of a hard thump to the ear, the guy who calls out Randy Moss’ name in the 14th Round or the guy who calls out Tom Brady’s name one pick after Brady’s been selected. Either way, know who’s been selected or else I grant the person whose player you’re trying to take the right to give you a smack on the forehead.
6. Thou shalt not deliberate after the 10th Round Okay, Jimmy, listen up. Everybody’s drunk, it’s the 13th round, people need to pee and you’ve got your nose grinding on your 2009 RotoDestroyer Cheat Sheet scouring the 5th string receivers like David Clowney is going to solve your inadequacies. He’s not. Quit stalling…
7. Thou shalt not select a kicker until the last two rounds I know Gostkowski is clutch, and WOW, how about Rob Bironas and his eight field goals in one game!. But, here’s the jist, they’re all essentially the same in the fantasy world.
8. Thou shalt not draft more than one kicker, tight end, or defense Do you really need Greg Olsen AND Kevin Boss? Both will get you about 5 points a game and go relatively unnoticed all season long. Don’t waste your draft picks on crap like that, you only need one of each and when their bye week comes along, drop your worst player, pick up a replacement, and drop him after the bye is over. It’s simple. But, by doubling up those three positions, you’re leaving 3 valuable position players on the board for your competition to grab.
9. Thou shalt not take a pee/smoke break until immediately after your pick “Where’s Todd?” “He’s taking a piss…” *Everyone leans back in their chair, takes a sip of beer, sighs deeply…* (Ten minutes later) “Hey guys…what? Is it my turn?” Yeah, Todd, it’s your turn…FOR A WEDGIE!
10. Thou shalt not drag along spectators I know your wife won’t let you out of the house without her, but if she isn’t drafting, she needs to find something besides vulturing over the draft, occasionally looking at her watch and sipping on a Zima with a look on her face that says she can’t believe what a bunch of nerds you all are. YES! We’re all dorks, and you married one! Now go find a Scrubs marathon to watch and leave the nerds alone!