I’ll be honest…  Jim Sorgi is actually second on my list of “I wanna be like that!”.  Lil Jon is #1 on that list, and will be until he’s completely bankrupt and sells his Bedazzled Crunk Cup for insulin.  If I could be a millionaire, spend my day with loose hoes, and drink Cristal in my Froot Loops for having a distinctive way of saying “Yeah!”, I would no longer be jealous of Jim Sorgi.  But, the fact of the matter is, I’ve been fascinated with Jim Sorgi for years.

I would call him one lucky son of a bitch, but the truth is, he’s earned everything he’s got.  Back in high school, Jim was a three-sport stud with football, baseball, and basketball.  He graduated high school with a 3.7 GPA.  He went on to play quarterback for the Wisconsin Badgers throwing to the likes of Lee Evans.  While he was no earth shattering QB, he does hold the Wisconsin career passing efficiency record (141.2).  So, that’s something.

But, in 2004, Jim was handed the golden ticket to Easy Street.  He was drafted in the 6th round (188th overall) by the Indianapolis Colts to hold the clipboard for a man who hasn’t missed a game since 1998.  For that distinction, he was handed a $230,000 contract plus $61,200 signing bonus for a total salary of $291,200.  Now, by NFL standards, that makes you scoff and say “So what?”  But, in everyday people world, that’s more than a lot of CEOs make in a year, and $221,200 more than the average Wisconsin Badger graduate can expect to make out of college.

Over the course of the next four seasons, Jim earned $1.9 million for 13 games of service.  Out of those 13 games, he only played the majority of the game in 4 of them.  If we break it down even further, Jim played 150 snaps from 2004-2007.  That breaks down to about $12,568 every time the ball touched his hands.  In fact, during the 2006-2007 season, Jim earned $430,280, but never stepped foot on the field of play until it was handshaking time.  Not a bad deal.

So, how did the Colts thank him for his clipboard holding and headphone wearing skills when his contract came up for renewal in 2008?  They thought his pencil pushing skills had advanced so much, that they gave him a 3 year deal in which the first year paid him $1.6 million.  That’s some good clipboard holding.

Now, I certainly don’t mean to sit here and say that these salaries aren’t justified.  The fact of the matter is, even the most underpaid players in the NFL are paid upper class salaries every season that they wear a uniform.  On top of all of that, despite very limited performances, it looks like Jim Sorgi is actually a pretty good quarterback.  Dare I say even potentially much better than golden ticket counterpart, Matt Cassel?  Yes, I dare.  But, unlike Jim Sorgi, Cassel’s NFL welfare card expired last season where he rode the coattails of a great system and can now buy and sell the likes of Jim Sorgi.

To date, Jim Sorgi has almost played a full season’s worth of games (14) in his 6 season career, but has only thrown 1 interception to his 6 touchdowns.  Sorgi also holds an 89.9 Passer Rating over his career (Matt Cassel holds a 87.6).  I feel like that when Peyton Manning actually dies from a Double-Stuf Oreo overdose or his head explodes from over exposure, the Colts will continue on in good shape.  But, in the meantime, Jim Sorgi is the luckiest man in the NFL, paid to wear a red jersey in practice and remain sweat-free during games while relaying in calls to #18.

Oh, and did I mention his wife, Lana, is pretty hot as well?  Damn you, Jim Sorgi!

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