I love Super Bowl parties. Awesome munchies, beer, and the last exciting game of the year. But there is always that one guy that detracts from your experience. I’m sure you know him (or her). You still have a couple of days to uninvite this person, so here is your quick guide to help make them easier to identify.

The people with the baby: I have to admit, I have been this person. It sucks when you can’t find a sitter. I thought it would be okay, as do all of these people, but then you get there and realize you are the biggest dick on the face of Earth. Also, you are not having fun (nor is anyone else). Screaming during the game is best saved for touchdowns or bonehead plays, not your kid flipping out. Get a sitter or stay home.

Bandwagon fans: Generally I do not have a problem with bandwagon fans. I like people that are sports fans. We all have to be new to our sport at some point, unless we had cool parents who brainwashed us at a young age. Therefore, one has to start liking a team for one reason or another. The bandwagon fans I am referring to are ones that are football fans but decided they were Peyton Manning’s biggest fan last week. Fairweather fans may be a more accurate term. These people suck. I am rather passionate about my teams. I like them even when they suck. You must stick with them. It’s cool to cheer for a different team during the playoffs – you have to, especially if you are a fan of St. Louis, or Detroit. But to turn your back on your team in favor of another, then act like a dipshit about it during the Super Bowl? Unforgivable.

The person who brought shitty beer then drinks all your good beer: I hate this guy. Do not bring Natural Light and then drink my New Glarus Spotted Cow. You will get asked to leave. Or punched in the face. I appreciate your efforts, but if you want to drink good beer, bring good beer. Although if I am throwing this shinding, you are all drinking Miller Lite because I am not hooking you fools up with expensive beer.

Drunk Guy hitting on every chick: Alcohol usually does not make you cooler (which does not stop me from drinking it), it makes you grosser, especially if you’re the guy to whom I am referring. If we liked you, we’d approach you, or at least make eye contact. Our look of horror when you wink or leer does not count as such. If your pick up artist methods aren’t working at a bar, they’re not working at this party. Piss off and watch the game.

Person who only cares about commercials: You know what commercials rock? Hockey commercials, and as I may be one of ten people in the US that cares about hockey, I’m quite sure you won’t see them during the super bowl. Frankly, I haven’t been that impressed with the Super Bowl commercials over the past few years. I don’t care anyway, I am watching the game (or drunk). If you are just watching the ads, stay home, DVR the game and fast forward through it. Don’t wreck the vibe for everyone else. Also, you look like an asshole.

Chick who tells you she only likes football for the hot players: My mom is one of these women. She tells me their butts look cute in their tight pants. Annoying. Most of them aren’t even hot. I’d say 7.5% are, totally not worth watching football for that small a percentage. Shut up lady, and hook up with Drunk Guy hitting on chicks.

The football expert who acts like he should be playing instead of working at McDonalds: Have you ever had the “why must I be surrounded by frickin’ idiots?” moments where you feel the need to lay down some knowledge. Yeah, me too, but don’t. It just makes you look like an ass. You are not Bill Belichik and your friends are thankful for that. Don’t come off like a know it all, because if you’re going to the parties I go to, someone knows more than you and will tell you that you are a rahtard. Most of these people are also known as “bloggers.”

The girl in the pink jersey: Do I really have to go there? Pink jerseys are the stupidest invention of all major sports. They are not the Cleveland Pinks or the Pink Bay Packers. Women who like sports are not morons, they want to wear their team colors. This means that the girl in the pink jersey is probably a dumbass. She’s probably the girl who thinks you get two points for each touchdown. Or worse, that it’s a home run. This is the chick that if I get too drunk I will tell her that her ass looks fat, just to be a bitch. Stay home, girl in the pink jersey.

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