I’m like everyone else. I love a good hype story. I get excited, I grin like a retard with a milkshake when El Hypo comes to do what he does. But, just like that retard, I get bored of it all so easily, and I’ll turn coat on you with my retard strength. Jason Heyward, Jason Heyward… This poor kid has so much hype around him right now, in order to live up to it he’s going to have to hit a home run that strikes a man in a wheelchair, restoring his ability to walk. Maybe the Turner Field concession workers go on strike, and Heyward can feed the masses with 40 hot dogs and turn water into beer. This poor kid…he reminds me of Anchorman. For months leading up to the DVD release, all my friends and people I spoke to regaled me with stories and hype of how Anchorman was the greatest movie I would ever be blessed to see. Finally I went and spent $17 of my hard earned dollars on the DVD, because: instant classic, might as well own it, since I’d be watching it once every day for the rest of my life. The moral to that story is, Anchorman might have been funny, I don’t know…but it didn’t come CLOSE to living up to my expectations and is now relegated to the “Things That Let Me Down” list right below former ArmAss writer, Greenberg.
That all got me thinking, and I stumbled across a fun little website of Bible Mad Libs, where I took a moment to fill in what reads almost exactly like the Jason Heyward articles you can find on every sport website out there these days. Enjoy!
2 Kings 2:23-24
“From there Jason Heyward went up to Atlanta. As he was walking along the road, some fans came out of the town and jeered at him. ‘Go on up, you rookie!’ they said. ‘Go on up, you rookie!’ He turned around, crushed at them and called down a curse on them in the name of Jobu. Then two Braves came out of the woods and mauled 24 of the fans.”
1 Samuel 18:27
“Jason Heyward and his men went out and killed 24 pitchers. He brought their arms and presented the full number to the king so that he might become the king’s brotha. Then Saul gave him his daughter Jane Fonda in marriage.”
Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?