There’s a guy who has been registered on ArmAss for years as an author. His name is Blastman. He doesn’t write much ever, but quite often he’s hilarious. This will be a new series of Instant Message conversations between he and I, since it’s hard to fit writing posts between irritating me at work and playing Playstation.
Blastman: did you see the nobody gets hurt like chipper jones article?
Polish Powerhouse: No. Where?
Blastman: chipper jones injures his back while testing his other injury…..even I had to laugh
Polish Powerhouse: Then he pulled his hamstring while sitting down after straining his back while testing his oblique injury.
Blastman: then he farted and tore his rectum
Polish Powerhouse: Which made his eyes water, and he scratched his retna when he wiped them.
Blastman: 15 or 60 day DL?
Polish Powerhouse: Forceful retirement.
Blastman: they need a 780 day DL for chipper
Blastman: i guess this is finally the year that if Im going to have a brave…..im glad it’s not chipper
Polish Powerhouse: Maybe the Braves could create a position called Designated Orderly, a minor league player whose job it is to push Larry’s wheelchair.
Blastman: I prefer to think of him as stoic.
Blastman: an aging legend who sacrificed everything……like the catcher in major league
Blastman: or costner in bull durham
Polish Powerhouse: Can you really tell “stoic” through wraparound sun glasses?
Blastman: he’s chipper fucking costner dammit!
Polish Powerhouse: He’s Eddie Harris from Major League…
Blastman: heyward is cerrano after jobu healed his curveball
Blastman: Im pretty sure he juiced
Blastman: always suspected him
Blastman: when you see his early clips….even his first year with the braves…..totally different…even in the face
Polish Powerhouse: No doubt in my mind he’s juiced. I told you that in 2007,.
Blastman: good thing the cubs have never had a juicer!
Blastman: not only did sammy juice…he’s WHITE now
Polish Powerhouse: You don’t have your best season in almost 10 years at the age of 35.
Polish Powerhouse: He goes by Sam now.
Polish Powerhouse: Sam Sosa, Esquire.
Blastman: well its a little suspicious that the 4 years he hit more than 34 HRs were 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001
Blastman: the peak of the steroid age
Polish Powerhouse: I was just looking at his career stats, I’m betting he started juicing in 1998.
Polish Powerhouse: Same time Bonds did.
Blastman: yeah
Polish Powerhouse: He jumped up to 45 HRs, then suddenly he stopped stealing 15-20 bases a year.
Blastman: 319 45 25sb
Polish Powerhouse: I noticed that with a lot of the juicers that were formerly “all-around” guys.
Blastman: wow…i wish i had been playing fantasyball then
Polish Powerhouse: When they go on the juice, their SBs drop off completely.
Blastman: thats a hell of a line….ARod type line
Blastman: when he was juicing
Polish Powerhouse: It reminds me of our conversation about “The Perfect World” where Bonds never juiced and Griffey never got injured.
Polish Powerhouse: That would’ve been epic.
Blastman: who wouldve hit more
Polish Powerhouse: That’s a good question.
Blastman: damn good one
Blastman: i really cant decide
Polish Powerhouse: I’d have to say Chipper.
Blastman: well this debate is just for bonds and griffey in that perfect world
Blastman: in the REAL world we both know heyward will hold the record by over 1500 HRs
Polish Powerhouse: In The Perfect World, Major League Baseball would be called Chipper’s Backyard Ho-Down.
Blastman: thered be 29 teams
Blastman: (no cubs)
Polish Powerhouse: You bastard.
Blastman: and i would move wrigley field to across the street from turner field’s right field……..but leave it rundown and abandoned…..to be a graveyard for heyward’s bombs
Polish Powerhouse: In The Perfect World, the Braves would’ve succumbed to pressure from Native Americans and they would’ve change their name to Georgia’s chief export, the Atlanta Peanuts.
Blastman: I could get behind the Nuts
Polish Powerhouse: Oh, I know you can get behind some nuts.
Blastman: hey-oh!
Blastman: washington vs atlanta nats n nuts
Polish Powerhouse: That sounds like that outdoor gay bar-b-que you were planning.
Blastman: well it wouldnt have made money…..you can only count on Powerhouse to eat so much barbecue
Blastman: the slogan for the gay barbecue would be Cum get our sauce on your face
Hmmm...I got nothin'...
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