Well, I don’t know about you, but I didn’t think that Prince’s flaming bag of doodie known as Purple & Gold could be trumped.  But, then today…it was.

Scott Stapp’s Marlin flavored Pop-Rock “Marlins Will Soar” was written to “pump up” the Marlin faithful.  My first reaction was, “How can a Marlin soar?”  Does he mean, like when it hops out of the water for a brief moment before splashing back down beneath the waves?  Because that’s pretty much what the Marlins have already been doing for years.  They don’t need a song for that.

Let’s break down the first verse:

Let’s play ball, it’s game day

They want strikeouts, base hits, double plays

Take the field, hear the roar of the crowd

Come on Marlins, make us proud

Come on Marlins, make us proud

Oh…wait…  Sorry, there’s nothing to break down.  He just listing out various things you’re likely to see at a baseball game.  Well, the second verse will be more profound.  I mean we’re talking about Scott Stapp for Pete’s sake!

One strike, two strikes, swing away

A diving catch, a stolen base

A perfect game, a triple play

Another play of grace, yes (??? I really have no idea what this line says)

World Series champs we’ll be

Mmm-hmmmm.  Right.  Let’s see, we have swinging a bat, running the bases…good.  Well, that covers the basics, let’s throw in some shit that almost never happens there at the end…  Cool, OK, let’s go cash this check!  Who wants to grab some whiskey and head to confession?!

Which brings me to my next point.  The funniest part of this whole aural disgrace is that’s just a rehashed version of some other crappy song he wrote called “YOU Will Soar”.  I went and hunted down the lyrics, and THOSE lyrics are basically about how belief and faith carried him through the ups and downs of his life, and if YOU keep your religious faith as well, you will soar.  But, then he replaced all the religious overtones with baseball.  I LOVE witnessing a good sell-out.  But, what makes me smile even wider is when people STILL think Scott Stapp is some inspirational religious figure.  Trust me, if Frito-Lay had’ve thought of it first, the chorus would’ve have been “With a little cheese and salt, Cheetos will soar!”

Now, I’m sick of talking about Scott Stapp.  It makes me ill.  So, I’ll leave you with this documentary called Scott Stapp: Behind The Douchebag.

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