There's three general types of people that you are going to encounter in your average fantasy baseball (or any sport, really) league. There's the guy who got in over his head, didn't realize the amount of time necessary for fantasy baseball and now only makes appearances in the league a few times a month when the message board is filled with posts calling for his head for playing with a team full of DLs. There's the guy who checks his team frequently, but always has a bitch about how he's got a "REAL job" and he doesn't have time to sit up until waivers clear at 2:00AM or peruse the trading block all day from 8 to 5, therefore his team suffers and he harbors a grudge against everyone else with make believe jobs. Then, there's the guy who IS up until 2:00AM waiting for waivers to clear, he's the first to snatch up Dan Wheeler as he picks up his first save, and then declares everyone else in the league to be decidedly retarded for their inability to beat him to the punch.

Sadly, it's very frequent that personality #3 is in contention. Also unfortunately, the majority of us fall under personality #2. So, what that means for us is that in order to compete in a league of the over zealous, we must fight dirty. We must take advantages where ever and whenever they may come. So, I preface this article by saying the following are despicable acts that will probably piss someone off, but as Steinbrenner could tell you if he wasn't quivering with demetia, is that the morally deficient can and will succeed. So, if you're up to fighting dirty, here's some ideas:


1. Always work a trade with a drunk person - I don't know about you, but pretty regularly I get late night IMs from people that inevitably go like this: "Dude, what's up?" "Nothing, about to go to bed" "Man, I am fucking WASTED!" "Oh really?" "YAIS!" "Hey, I was looking at your team, we should make a trade." Using this strategy I was once able to pull off a Albert Pujols for Steve Kline & Runelvys Hernandez deal that shook my league to the core. Unfortunately, I was also taken by this against my better drunken judgement in the form of Ryan Howard and Hanley Ramirez for Carlos Zambrano and Vladimir Guerrero in the early parts of last season. It always works. Your first response to "I'm drunk." (unless it's a chick, in which case your response should obviously be "I have a case of High Life, I should swing by.") should be, "We should make a trade."

2. Cycle pitchers - This really only works in head to head leagues with large or no transaction limits. Hold two pitching slots and search the waiver wire for anyone starting the next day. Pick the best matchup and pick them up. Next thing you know you're throwing up 100 Ks a week and 10-12 wins. Your ERA and WHIP could suffer, but it might not, either.

3. Work the last place team - This happens in every league I'm in. Personality #1 guy has long given up and sometime in July, all the sudden he gets transaction happy giving away bargain basement deals. Dice-K for Brian Bannister, Ryan Howard for Miguel Tejada, Jose Reyes for Delmon Young. Don't get too crazy on the lopsidedness, you don't want to get vetoed if your league offers that. But, you can ALWAYS get dollars for pennies with the last place teams.

4. Play the maximum innings game - Something that busted me once, that I didn't know until recently is that even if you have .1 innings remaining on your maximum innings pitched EVERY pitcher that pitches that day counts. So, here I was, 12 Ks away from the championship on the last day of the fantasy season. I had hit my max a day before, and I had no one pitching. The guy behind me in 2nd (with 12 less Ks than me) had 1 inning left until his max. He filled his pitching spots with anyone and everyone who was pitching that day. I laughed and said, "Too little, too late." He accumulated like 28 Ks that day, moved into first, and took the championship. Needless to say, I was floored. I flipped out. I had thoughts of burning Yahoo to the ground, mailing my Congressman to have this guy beheaded, signing him up for a visit from local Scientologists... But, eventually I accepted the fact and vowed to take advantage of that glitch from that day forth.

5. Lock down the waiver wire - This may be the most devious and unscrupulous method yet. But, let's say for instance that you're coming down to the end of the week, or the end of the season, the guy you're fighting against is behind you by 3 SBs. Go to the waiver wire, pick up Dave Roberts. Drop him for Reggie Willits, drop him for Kenny Lofton, drop him for Rajai Davis, and so forth. Do this for all the available big SB guys, that will effectively put them all on the 2 day waiver period, making them unavailable for pick up until it's too late for them. That's really dirty, I feel dirty even mentioning it.

So, there's some ideas to keep in mind this season. I told you they weren't morally proper, but sometimes you've gotta kick 'em in the nuts to take 'em down, right?

Labels: cycle pitchers, drunk, fantasy baseball, last place, maximum innings, trades, undermining, waiver wire

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Now, I'm not one to bemoan a life of excess. Certainly not. Almost all of us have had way too much to drink before. Secretly, most of us have at least tried pot, almost certainly we've almost all gotten behind the wheel when we've probably had too much. It happens. It's nothing to pride yourself about of anything, but it happens.

But, here's the thing that's stuck in my craw: Since Josh Hancock's death I've seen articles titled "Why Every Team Needs Someone Like Hancock" and the like. Wait...what? Once again, I can't speak against any intoxicants, I've done my share, but every team needs a drunk frat boy? The only thing that gave Josh Hancock a Josh Hancock Memorial Day instead of a Josh Hancock Public Service Announcement is that he's the only one who died. Just because he's the only one who died, he's now a mentor and a hero who died at the top of his game. If the guy in the stalled car or the tow truck driver had bit the dust along with him, it would've been just another case of athletes gone wild. Maybe the Cincinnati Bengals would've offered him a posthumous contract. (Hmmm...too far? Let's move on.)

I digress, this article isn't to speak ill of Josh Hancock or his lifestyle. I can't say it enough that I understand his lifestyle, I was just luckier when his was mine. No, this article is to talk about the next disgusting abuse of the legal system in the wake of Josh Hancock's death:

Today, Josh Hancock's father officially filed suit against EVERYONE involved. He's suing the restaurant where Hancock had been boozing it up all night for serving him booze after he was already drunk. He's suing the tow truck driver because logs indicate that the driver had been on the scene for 15 minutes prior to Hancock slamming into the back of his truck and for failing to put down road flares, despite the tow truck's giant flashing yellow lights that were reported to have been on. Most appalling of all, however, he's suing the guy whose car stalled on the side of the road.

Yes, folks. He's suing the guy with the broken down car for being "negligent in allowing the vehicle to reach the point where it stalled on the highway and for failing to move it out of the way of oncoming traffic."

So, boys and girls, be sure you change your oil regularly and double check your radiator fluid, because if a drunk athlete wedges himself under the tow truck that AAA called out for you, guess what: You're ruined!

The final cherry on top of this appalling disgrace is that the lawyer for Josh Hancock isn't 100% certain that everyone is getting thoroughly sued, so they are pondering the possibility of throwing the Cardinals and Major League Baseball itself into the mix. I mean, the guy with the broken down car certainly doesn't have enough money to set Hancock's dad up for life, why else would he be driving a broken down car? So, it's best, when you're aiming for the stars, to go after the big boys and their big bucks, you know because...uh...because the Cardinals knew he liked to drink and didn't tell him not to? Because the MLB doesn't test for Miller High Life as stringently as they do for HGH? Yeah, it makes sense...IF YOUR NAME IS JACKIE CHILDS!

In closing, it's sad that Josh Hancock died. Especially since he was doing something I had done many times in the past, it makes you think. But, all the hullaballoo following it is completely misplaced and Hancock's father takes the cake and the cake in front of a child as well. If Josh was a human, I like to think that he would be disgusted at his father as well. Kind of reminds me of Joe Dirt's parents...

Just thought you should know...

Labels: baseball, cardinals, drunk, DUI, hancock, Josh Hancock, mlb, st. louis

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