So, here we are again. The day that makes Vidal Sassoon their commissions as interns spend weeks slathering on hair gel and industrial grade sealants to Kiper's hair helmet in preperation for today. I have cracked open a bottle on Absinthe that I got from a friend for Christmas. The Green Fairy is what they call it in France. I call it some licorice smelling anti-freeze. It tastes as bad as it smells. But, it was a gift, and it was the drink of such dignitaries as Edgar Allen Poe, Vincent Van Gogh, and Oscar Wilde. So, prepare yourselves for some poetic, esoteric, drunken masterwork right here... TODAY!

Plus, if the absinthe doesn't work, I've got a 12 pack of High Life to fall back on. Here we go, here comes Chris "Deux Deux Deux" Berman.

Side note: There's been a little noise about moving the draft amongst other cities every year. I hope they don't Jets fans are some of the most photogenic degenerates in the world.

#1 Pick: Miami Dolphins - Jake Long - OT, Michigan: Is anyone else getting the feeling that we're seeing another Robert Gallery here? The Dolphins need help in the O-Line, and Jake Long is very good and all.... I just don't see him being the dominant force that the Dolphins do. But, that could very well be why I'm sitting in a La-Z-Boy pretending I'm waxing philosophical behind a keyboard and not making $57 million dollar decisions.

Side note: I hate the fact that I've known the first two picks since this morning. It's like knowing the final score before you watch the game.

Side note: Chris Young, Steve? Ha ha ha! Tired of your own sissy kids? Steve Young just had a jealous slip and called Chris Long, Chris Young.

Side note: This absinthe is just awful. I'd better start hallucinating soon like they say you're supposed to.

Side note: That damn Mrs. Long. Turn off your phone and stop scaring the talent!

#2 Pick: St. Louis Rams - Chris Long - DE, Virginia - I hate the Raiders, but I also really hate THIS for the Raiders. He should have fallen to them to continue legacy. But, between he and Adam Carriker they should make some wicked stops, but if their offense is going to continue playing like a bunch of hobbled old men, it's gonna be a long year.

Side note: Does anyone's mics work or are they just ignoring Deux Deux Deux? He keeps talking and they keep looking at their twiddling thumbs...

Side note: To start a new Rachel Nichols? One is enough, unless you set them off in a cage match and let them peck each others eyes out with their noses.

Side note: As bad as this shit tastes, I'm already a little drunk...

#3 Pick: Atlanta Falcons - Matt Ryan - QB, Boston College - I know that everyone loves to talk about what a franchise quarterback Matt Ryan is. He's going to make everyone forget Michael Vick! He's going to take the Falcons all the way! He's going to outlaw fat girls wearing "Sexy Princess" t-shirts! Quarterbacks just don't come in and rule the world. Whatever. People LOVE getting excited about high pick QBs, but the only thing they love more is ragging on them when they don't pan out. That being said, I'm not nearly as excited about him as everyone else.

Side note: I really hate Corona commercials. I don't buy it BECAUSE if their commercials, well, that and it tastes like overpriced Miller Lite.

#4 Pick: Oakland Raiders - Darren McFadden - RB, Arkansas - Are the Jets faithful cheering? Sounds to me like the Raiders have some copycatting in the works this season with a Fargas/McFadden combo. They've got a relatively young dark horse going on here. I think it might be time to start worrying about the Raiders.

Side note: McFadden's mom is a recovering crack addict?! Ummmm...she looks a little wasted right now. And I know wasted.

Side note: I HATE that the first 5 picks have almost been predetermined. We knew WHO they were going to be, just not which order. So, now we won't get any great Aaron Rodgers, Matt Leinart, Brady Quinn "Poor thing" drama this year. That is unless Dorsey doesn't go to the Chiefs, who just traded the #1 defensive end in the NFL. So, they just MIGHT be looking to replace him.

Side note: Wendi Nix? Is that the fat chick that Johnny Drama ended up getting rim jobbed by? Looks like it...

Side note: OH MY GOD! Look at that effing watch on Dorsey's wrist! How does he hold it up?

#5 Pick: Kansas City Chiefs - Glenn Dorsey - DT, LSU: Okay, so he hasn't missed a game in college. But, as badass as he is, he is a major injury risk. A RISK, mind you, not a liability. He's worth the gamble. Good for them. But, now the geen room is empty. I'm sad about that.

Side note: Happy as all outdoors!

Side note: J-E-T-S! Jets! Jets! Jets!

Side note: We still have Vernon Gholston in the green room! Drop drop drop!!! I want to hear about the triumph of the spirit of this brave young man for waiting an extra 20 minutes to be a millionaire!

Side note: I want to hang out with that bald Jets fan in the stands. He looks like he knows where we could find the truly kick ass high school parties!

#6 Pick: New York Jets - Vernon Gholston - DE, Ohio State - I think Vernon Gholston is a frightening badass on par with the Rock Eater in Neverending Story. Did I just bring up ROck Eater? Wow... I don't care about people saying he's TOO muscular and not athletic enough. Forget that. Gholston will destroy...

Side note: Goddammit! These 1984 style Under Armour commercials have GOT TO GO! CAN...YOU...DIG IT!!!???

Side note: Prediction: Iron Man will suck ass. Over/Under: A McDonald's Cheeseburger.

Side note: Even with Goodell's new streamlined draft. I'm drunker than I have been before at this time. I better move on to beer. Once again, my wife is pure gold. I said, "I've got to live blog the Draft while I get drunk." ad she said, "I'll take the kids to your mom's for a few hours." GOLD!!!

Side note: The Patriots trade Pick #7 to the Saints

Pick #7: New Orleans Saints - Sedrick Ellis - DT, USC - The Saints are out of control! They are trying to get to the Super Bowl TO-day! Look at Ellis' picture, he looks like someone just said, "Sedrick, I think Billy Jean was WAY better than Thriller." The cameraman did not live through the shoot. I hate this pick, but only because I hate the Saints.

Side note: The Ravens trade Pick #8 to the Jaguars

Side note: I really am sensing some animosity between the rest of the crew and Chris Berman.

Side note: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT! Kiper versus Berman! Come over the desk!

Pick #8: Jacksonville Jaguars - Derrick Harvey - DE, Florida - OOOO!!! Berman just said, "We say a reach, but, uh, you know, that's just on YOUR BOARD, MEL!" Ha ha ha ha! I don't know about this guy, but Berman just cracked me up with that!

Side note: Hmmm.... You think Keith Rivers might be a Bengal?

Side note: I'm onto the High Life now. Beer #1 coming up after this pick.

Pick #9: Cincinnati Bengals - Keith Rivers - OLB, USC - Wow, that was the quietest reception ever for a pick. Crickets everywhere. Keith Rivers is a bad ass. A classy guy, but a classy guy who will eat your soul. You know what I mean? It's a shame that he's going to the Bengals. I mean Marvin Lewis should have a killer defense, but ever year, it's just mediocrity. I wish for better for Keith Rivers, because he's a bad mutha.

Side note: Adam Sandler.... I pretend that he died after Happy Gilmore. It keeps me happy.

Side note: Vented Coors Light? there's an extra indention on the mouth of the can. Is that really ad worthy? I drank one last night, my mind was not blown. I didn't even notice until I looked down and said, "Indention?!"

#10 Pick - New England Patriots - Jerod Mayo - ILB, Tennessee - New England just filled Teddy Bruschi's position for later on. Beautiful move on their part. Forget the videotaping shit. The Patriots are just amazing, and they just got better. I love this pick. What are they supposed to do? Draft a QB? A WR? Well played.

Side note: Did Berman just say, "Hold the Mayo"? Pollack KILL!!!!

Side note: I just peed off of my deck. If you don't have a deck, I suggest you should build one. I have one that angles off of a hill, so if I angle my stream properly, I can get maybe 15-20 feet off the ground. It's fantastic.

#11 Pick - Buffalo Bills - Leodis McKelvin - CB, Troy - Ha ha ha! The lone Bills fans in the audience didn't like that pick. But, he should quit being a dumb ass because as much as I hate talking about defensive backs during this, I have done my homework a little more and McKelvin comes from Alabama. McKelvin is badass. Some scout was quoted on the radio the other day as saying, "If McKelvin played for USC or Ohio State, he'd be a top 5 pick."

Side note: Thank God for beer. Fucking Poe and Van Gogh were suckers for drinking that shit. And I am not having ANY hallucinations, but I'll be damned if this isn't the most poetic prose ever transcribed onto a computer screen.

#12 Pick - Denver Broncos - Ryan Clady - OT, Boise State - I love this pick. As great as the Broncos make their running backs (minus Travis Henry) they do great things for their QBs, too. I think he'll protect Cutlers ass, but for what? Cutler will still eff it up. Did I mention I think that Cutler isn't what he's cracked up to be?

Side note: Haii, I'm Sal Pow-lan-toe-nio. My vocal chords run directly through my nose. Wah wah wah wah...

Pick #13 - Carolina Panthers - Johnathan Stewart - RB, Oregon - Need a committee, take a committee. DeAngelo Williams high fived everyone when DeShaun Foster left now he's gonna have to call a carpenter to fix the hole in the floor that his jaw just left. Stewart's incredible if he can stay healthy. I said that Adrian Peterson probably couldn't stay healthy last season, my shoe tasted incredible, so now I'm gonna just leave it at Stewart's an incredible talent.

Side note: Don't you dare call my wife Nancy. It's Mrs. Barber, you punk! Are you sleeping wi th my wife?!!! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!! Man, I'm drunk...

Side note: Aaron's 312? What, does Rent-To-Own not afford you a full 500? "Sorry, if people just owned more than we rent we could probably afford like 415, maybe 425... But, for now we can only give you 312..."

Side note: Thank God Jaworski just showed up, I was running low on goobers to rag on.

Side note: Seattle Seahawks Key Loss: Josh Brown. I love that. Shaun Alexander is probably not as fond of it as I am.

Side note: Rex grossman is as late a bloomer as Bill Haverchuck.

Pick #14: Chicago bears - Chris Williams - OT, Vanderbilt - Yeah, that's what you needed, Chicago. Someone to protect your shitty QB and your crybaby RB. Hold on... What's that sound? Oh, that must be Bears fans organizing a riot. Williams is good, but possibly not the Bears first priority. I say possibly being polite.

Side note: The best WR is still available. Matt Millen is licking his chops.

Side note: The Lions traded the #15 pick to the the Chiefs

Pick #15: Kansas City Chiefs - Branden Albert - G, Virgina - Someone wake Branden up. He looks like a good pick. If they can't get anyone to replace Brody Croyle, might as well pick up someone to keep people from killing him. Although, if he did get killed they'd have to replace him which could be the best move of the offseason.

Pick #16: Arizona Cardinals - Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie - CB, Tennessee State - Why do I know so much about damn DBs these days? Cromartie is badass. Once again, a small school guy who is good enough to play at big levels. My only question is how will they fit his name on the jersey?

Side note: I'm not a fan of the new streamlined format, Goodell. I don't have time to rip on stupid things.

Pick #17: Detroit Lions - Gosder Cherilus - OT, Boston College - Who? Ha ha ha! Way to avoid Mendenhall, Millen! Jew so CRAZY, Millen! Who's he blocking for? Kitna? Nameless running back #1?

Side note: Looks like Flacco's gonna be the next Grbac and Dilfer.

Side note: Is it just me or is this the least interesting draft in a while? Berman should take off his shirt. What?

Side note: The Texans trade pick #18 to the Ravens.

Pick #18: Baltimore Ravens - Joe Flacco - QB, Delaware - He's the next Ben Roethlisberger. Gigantic and solid. I like him a lot. Way better than I like Matt Ryan. Great job for Ozzie Newsome and the Ravens. Now they need to figure out how to get him an exciting target.

Side note: The Eagles trade pick #19 to the Panthers.

Pick #19: Carolina Panthers - Jeff Otah - OT, Pittsburgh - Great selection despite the audience selection. They've got their RB committee, now they've got their solid blocker. And the stupid Lions took who? Glodis Something? Gosder... Idiots...

Side note: What's this crap? HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! They had to cut the talking heads off from their blah blah blah so they could introduce the armed forces. Whoops!

Side note: This is the pick I'm pumped about. I hope it's Devin Thomas. Although it won't be. Gruden's, right now, desperately searching for the "You my boy, Blue!" guy who somehow snuck into college at the age of 80 to do some Jello wrestling.

Side note: Eagles fans are furious right now. This amuses me to no end!

Pick #20: Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Aqib Talib - DB, Kansas - SEE! Do you SEE this shit?! They HAVE to pick a wide receiver! HAVE TO! And they pick Aqib Talib, the biggest bust prospect in the defensive backs this season. Every year I want to puke at the Bucs pick, and every year I do. Good for you for smoking pot. Just don't suck on the field. Damn I hate this pick so much...

Side note: Tirico hates the pick, too.

Side note: 5 minutes later, I still hate the Bucs pick. I love Gruden on the sideline, but I hate him in the office. i hate him so damn much in the office. I'd go take off my jersey now, but I'm not a Saints fan. (They take off their jerseys when they start losing in the Superdome. Saints fans suck.)

Side note: The Redskins trade pick #21 to the Falcons.

Side note: I guarantee here comes Devin Thomas. GUARANTEE IT!!!!

Pick #21: Atlanta Falcons - Sam Baker - OT, USC - Uh... That's a beard to be dealt with, for sure. I don't hate the pick because the Falcons are in the NFC South, so they can draft Ethel Merman for all I care.

Side note: ESPN is smart to shoot Rachel Nichols head on, so as to avoid resorting to a 16x9 aspect ratio to accomodate her nose.

Side note: I bet the Cowboys go Mendenhall. They don't want Barber to carry the whole load.

Side note: Quit showing Devin Thomas. I'm sick over it. I need another beer. By the way, I'm halfway through beer #3 after the absinthe by the way. D-R-U-N-K DRUNK! DRUNK! DRUNK!

Pick #22: Dallas Cowboy - Felix Jones - RB, Arkansas - Interesting choice. I think Mendehall is better. Felix Jones reminds me of a non-fat LenDale White. I guess they'd rather have someone used to sharing carries, but I'd bet that neither Marion Barber or Felix Jones is excited about this situation.

Side note: Rashard Mendenhall's pre-draft party looks like the tits! That looked like a strip club and I think I saw a Pabst Blue Ribbon in the background.

Pick #23: Pittsburgh Steelers - Rashard Mendenhall - RB, Illinois - How could you not take him? Willie Parker is great. Mendenhall is, too. Looks like the copycat bug has hit Pittsburgh as well. Look out for the Steelers rushing tandem. Sick, sick stuff, man... I don't love it, but I do fear it.

Side note: My fish tank is filthy. I need to clean it. Tomorrow...

Side note: What's that hood rat drinking at DeSean Jackson's party? Jones Soda or Grey Goose?

Side note: Uh oh! Steve Young wrote Devin thomas in ink! Must be true!

Pick #24: Tennessee Titans - Chris Johnson - RB, East Carolina - He's fast and small. The bizarro LenWhale White. I would say that the Titans are on the copycat train as well now, but I think they're just all out trying to replace LenWhale. He's an intersting pick. But, more importantly, I'm going to pee off of my deck again.

Side note: I hear Nirvana in the background. I sat here for a few seconds and can't think of anything interesting to say about this observation. Beer #4 just opened.

Side note: The Seahawks traded pick #25 to the Cowboys.

Pick #25: Dallas Cowboys - Mike Jenkins - DB, South Florida - Thank God! I don't know anything about this guy! I feel much better not knowing anything about defensive backs. My cat just jumped up on my laptop and frightened me. I should have left what she typed in midsentence, but alas, I did not...

Pick #26: Houston Texans - Duane Brown - OT, Virginia Tech - How many offensive linemen have to go in the first round until you have the lowest ratings in a televised NFL draft ever? I don't know, how many have been selected this time? 10? 12? I feel like I went home with a drunk chick and she fell asleep on the toilet while I'm laying in her bed right now...

Pick #27: San Diego Chargers - Antoine Cason - CB, Arizona - Ha! Thank you Tivo! I dosed off for a little while and had to rewind. I don't know anything about him, but I do know that the Chargers already have some of he best young defensive backs in the league. So, they just went crazy. There's another team that could've used a high caliber wide receiver that didn't take one.

Side note: Ugh... I have a head ache. I love drinking in the afteroon, but I hate not drinking in the evening. Hangovers at 8:00 suck ass.

Pick #28: Seattle Seahawks - Lawrence Jackson - DE, USC - He looks like a good pass rusher. But, honestly Jackson looks to me like a slightly above average player who got drafted in the first round because he went to USC. Meh...

Pick #29: San Francisco 49ers - Kentwan Balmer - DT, North Carolina - That's a big freakin' fella. He's supposed to play nose tackle in San Fran's new 3-4 defensive scheme. He doesn't look like he eats EVERYone's lunches, but he has been known to root around in the bus... What in the hell am I even talking about? Does it make sense to be the drunkest when the people who you've never heard of are being drafted? No!

Side note: The Packers have traded pick #30 to the Jets.

Side note: My oldest son just came home and said that Mel Kiper Jr. looks like a rooster. Best quip of the day!!!

Pick #30: New York Jets - Dustin Keller - TE, Purdue - Ha ha ha ha! The Jets faithful HATE IT! Lots of hands on heads and exasperated looks all around. Honestly, it's a good choice. Because who else have they got? Bubba Franks now? Bubba Franks lost it years ago and Chris Baker never had it. Why not get a playmaker SOMEwhere else besides inside a jersey that says Coles.

Side note: 50 different people were fooled by PIZZA HUT that they were in a regular New York restaurant opening? You're kidding. Pizza Hut? I call bullshit or else I congratulate on finding the 50 stupidest people on the planet. "Mmmm...what is that I taste? A hint of hot wing sauce?"

Side note: Wait, did Berman just compare Eli Manning and Joe Namath? Ugh...

Pick #31: New York Giants - Kenny Phillips - S, Miami - Man, the fans love him! What better way to end this year's Drinkin' and Draftin' than with another defensive back that I don't know anything about. I really don't care about the Giants or defensive backs, so I'm going to go eat dinner.

PEESH!

Labels: 2008 nfl draft, football, nfl, nfl draft, rookies

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Sitting in living rooms, kitchens, and agent's offices across America at this very moment are around 1000 players who have been poked, prodded, and pranced over the past few months trying to determine whether or not they're draft material. 255 of those 1000 will be deemed worthy tomorrow and Sunday. One test will weigh heavily on the minds of GMs and coaches throughout the NFL: The Wonderlic.

The Wonderlic is a 12-minute, 50-question quiz designed to test the general IQ of potential NFL meat. A perfect score is 50. To date, there has only been one football player to score a 50 on his Wonderlic assessment, Pat McInally of Havard University who went on to become a Pro-Bowl punter.

Quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick, also from Harvard University, was also believed to have scored a perfect 50. This claim was eventually proven to be false and he was outed as having a still excellent score of 38.

On average, NFL players' Wonderlic scores are as follows:

* Offensive tackle - 26
* Center - 25
* Quarterback - 24
* Guard - 23
* Tight end - 22
* Safety - 19
* Linebacker - 19
* Cornerback - 18
* Wide receiver - 17
* Fullback - 17
* Halfback - 16

On the flip side of Ryan Fitzpatrick, there was also a tale of Vince Young scoring a 6 on his Wonderlic, which would put him right in line with Forrest Gump and Lennie Small. Also like Fitzpatrick, Young's score was also proven to be false and was later told that he scored a still well below QB average 16.

This got me thinking. Ryan Fitzpatrick was drafted by the Rams in 2005, where he ended up playing 4 games when Marc Bulger went down. He went on to throw 4 touchdowns and 8 interceptions with a 58.2 QB rating. He has not seen playing time in a regular season NFL game since.

Vince Young, as you probably know, has been the starting quarterback for the Tennessee Titans for 2 seasons where he has been less than stellar, but still head and shoulders above the performace of the much higher scoring Ryan Fitzpatrick.

So, how much weight SHOULD the Wonderlic test carry in the world of quarterbacks? Let's go through the Wonderlic scores of some of today's quarterbacks and see how they play out:

Drew Henson 42
Alex Smith 40
Eli Manning 39
Brian Griese 39
Charlie Frye 38
Tony Romo 37
Drew Bledsoe 36
Matt Leinart 35
Kellen Clemens 35
Aaron Rodgers 35
Tom Brady 33
Steve Young 33
Joey Harrington 32
Patrick Ramsey 32
Sage Rosenfels 32
J.P. Losman 31
Matt Schaub 31
Phillip Rivers 30
Brady Quinn 29
Rex Grossman 29
Marc Bulger 29
Matt Hasselbeck 29
Troy Aikman 29
John Elway 29
Drew Brees 28
Peyton Manning 28
Kyle Boller 27
Ryan Leaf 27
Jay Cutler 26
Kyle Orton 26
Carson Palmer 26
Akili Smith 26
Ben Roethlisberger 25
Byron Leftwich 25
Chad Pennington 25
JaMarcus Russell 24
David Carr 24
Jason Campbell 23
Tim Couch 22
Trent Dilfer 22
Brett Favre 22
Michael Vick 20
Tarvaris Jackson 19
Bruce Gradkowski 19
Derek Anderson 19
A.J. Feeley 19
Daunte Culpepper 18
Aaron Brooks 17
Vinny Testeverde 17
Vince Young 16
Steve McNair 15
Randall Cunningham 15
Dan Marino 15
Terry Bradshaw 15
David Garrard 14
Donovan McNabb 14
Marcus Vick 11
Jeff George 10
Chris Leak 8

Well, the list begins with one of the all time highest scorers in NFL Wonderlic history, Drew Henson. As you may know, Henson was not only bright, but a two sport...flop. He made appearances with the New York Yankees in 2002 and 2003, compiling 9 ABs with 3 Ks and 1 hit. In 2004 he joined the Cowboys, played 7 games and put together 78 Passing Yards, 1 TD, 1 INT, and 2 sacks.

Heading down the ladder further, we run across other NFL quarterback flops like Alex Smith, Charlie Frye, and Kellen Clemens. However, also amongst those names are players like Tony Romo (37, could be considered a flop, depending on if you're discussing the regular season or the post season. ZING!), Tom Brady (33), and Steve Young (33). And, no, I refuse to acknowledge Eli Manning among the previous names, despite his 39 score. Just because he won a Super Bowl doesn't make him great. Trent Dilfer won a Super Bowl as well, where's his fellatio?

As we scroll down the list of names, you see the good mixed in with the bad mixed in with the ugly. It seems haphazard. I had a theory beginning the research for this article that I would find that the players at the top tended to be less successful at the quarterback position than the ones at the bottom due to a tendency of book smart people to overanalyze situations. While this theory wasn't smashed by what I found here, it did morph into something a little different.

From looking over the list, toward the top amongst the QBs who scored 30 and above, we see names like Phillip Rivers, Tom Brady, Matt Leinart, Drew Bledsoe, Eli Manning, and Alex Smith. These are some of the most immobile quarterbacks in the game. They're pocket passers, they get sacked a lot, but they also put together a lot of passing yards. When you get toward the bottom of the list, the guys who scored 20 and below, you've got names like Michael Vick, Tarvaris Jackson, Daunte Culpepper, Aaron Brooks, Vince Young, Steve McNair, Randall Cunningham, David Garrard, Donovan McNabb, and Kordell Stewart. These are all guys who faced with an oncoming defensive attack, they tuck in the ball and take off for whatever they can get.

I hate to use the word primal, but that's almost what we're seeing here. The lower the Wonderlic score, the more primal and emotive the quarterback. The higher the score, the more prone to getting caught overanalyzing the situation rather than just taking action.

So, is it as bad as some would make it out to be to have a low Wonderlic score? No. Clearly not. You just play with more heart than brains, if that statement could be construed as non-condescendingly as possible. There's a lot to be said for playing with heart. Some of the NFL's greatest quarterbacks were well below average on the Wonderlic (Brett Favre, Steve McNair, Dan Marino, Terry Bradshaw, Donovan McNabb) just like some of the biggest flops were well above average.

By the way, Eli Manning scored 11 points higher (39) than Peyton Manning did (28), and I think it's pretty damn obvious who wins that battle.

You can go here to see how you would stand up against the Wonderlic.

Labels: Alex Smith, Charlie Frye, Drew Henson, fantasy nfl, Kellen Clemens, nfl draft, Pat McInally, quarterback, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Steve Young, Tom Brady, Tony Romo, Vince Young, wonderlic

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Here it is, Draft Day. The day that NFL fans all over the place look forward to as soon as the final play of the Super Bowl goes down. So, in order to spearhead RotoDestroyer’s journalistic integrity, I will be conducting a real time article over the course of the entire draft. This will include the drunken rambling that comes with the way we roll:

1. Houston Texans – Mario Williams DE/NC State - Nice, even though the Texans signed Mario last night, they still took five minutes to make the call. What were they doing back there? Stocking their cooler? And why is Michael Irvin so freakin’ pissed off about this pick? It’s a good thing no one takes Irvin seriously. He could make a lap dance unbearable…

2. New Orleans Saints – Reggie Bush RB/USC – Wow. I thought for sure they’d trade this pick. I think I could hear Duece McAllister calling his agent from my living room. And is it just me or does Reggie look a little less than excited about going to New Orleans? This is going to be huge, now I’m looking forward to going to some Saints games for another reason than just to make fun of the Saints fans.

3. Tennesee Titans – Vince Young QB/Texas – First off, YOU GO JETS FANS. Those guys are friggin’ nuts. They’ll boo anyone and freak out over anything. I can’t imagine Vince Young coming right into the league and producing. On paper he sounds good, but look at Michael Vick’s past two seasons. Exactly. Vince Young’s career and selection place is all based on one game. Good for Vince Young, bad for the Titans.

Side note – Who is more smug? Steve Young or Mel Kiper Jr.? Steve Young has the benefit of a wacky religion to be smug about. But, I think Mel Kiper Jr. edges him out with an overinflated feeling of self worth and hair that comes from a Ronco Products Hair Mold.

Side note – Wake up, Matt Leinart… *Hunhh HUH?! Leinart thirsty!

Side note – Can you imagine Michael Irvin’s blinged out team if HE was actually in charge? The Irvin Crunk… Good thing he’s just sitting on the sidelines and jabbering like an idiot rather than actually in charge.

4. New York Jets – D’Brickashaw Ferguson OT/Virginia – An excellent selection for the Jets. If there’s ANYTHING they need on their team besides a back up for Old Man Curtis is a bodyguard for Pennington and Ramsey. And if anyone in the NFL reminds me of Whitney Houston…I’m looking at Chad Pennington.

Side note – Who exactly is Under Armour advertising to? The average fat guy like myself sitting around with a beer and a sandwich watching the draft and fantasizing? If I buy some of their leotards will they quit flexing in my face? Click clack…shut up…

5. Green Bay Packers – A.J. Hawk LB/Ohio State – This has been the Packer’s choice since the college season ended. He’s an amazing linebacker with a straight up rock and roll name. They desperately needed help there and they got it. Good for the Pack.

Side note – How about the Matt “Superstar” Leinart ads with the sun shades and the leather jacket and the slicked hair and the crappy Nickelback crap. ESPN seems to be desperately trying to sell him to anyone. WHAT IN THE HELL IS VERNON DAVIS CRYING ABOUT?! Is he the next Cedric Benson? Are we about to hear another rambling boo-hoo sob story?

6. San Francisco 49ers – Vernon Davis TE/Maryland – The best tight end in years, bawling like a baby. Are the 49ers holding his grandmother hostage? Why the tears Vernon? You knew you were gonna be drafted. We all had a good idea it’d be the 49ers that would do it. So, they can’t be tears of surprise. Maybe his mother told him that she wouldn’t love him any more if he played for San Fran. Well, anyways, good for San Francisco. He’s the man, despite the tears.

7. Oakland Raiders – Michael Huff S/Texas - Well, their first mistake was signing Aaron Brooks. Their second mistake was not drafting someone to take his place when he continues to be one of the most frustratingly bad quarterbacks in the league today. But, they say Michael Huff is a good DB and the Raiders are such a terrible defense…you know, whatever…

Side note – Beer #2 is complete. My wife is solid gold, she just took the kids out so that I can drink, watch football nerdery, and write about it.

8. Buffalo Bills – Donte Whitner S/Ohio State – Okay, I’m not going pretend that I know anything about Donte Whitner. But, something I’ve noticed is that Michael Irvin hasn’t said ANYTHING since the first pick. Could I not be the only one who doesn’t know anything about Donte Whitner?

Side note – Tom Condon is a greasy sleezy looking used car salesman. HA! He got done with the interview, smile vanished and the vulture look replaced everything. “I hate talking to women…Condon KILL!”

9. Detroit Lions – Ernie Sims – LB/Florida State – This is a breath of fresh air for the Lions. They’ve been on the cusp of having a not quite great defense, but Sims is going to REALLY tie the room together. They haven’t had a great LB since Chris Claiborne. Should be good for them…

Side note – I’m officially beginng to get drunk.

10. Arizona Cardinals – Matt Leinart QB/USC – That was FAST! Man, seriously…WATCH OUT NFC West.. Arizona is the team to beat. Forget about Seattle. Leinart, Edge, Bolden, Fitzgerald? Man, seriously, Arizona fans are friggin’ melting down right now.

Side note – Click Clack
Side note – Denver trades with St. Louis for 15th and 68th overall

11. Denver Broncos – Jay Cutler QB/Vanderbilt – First off, Jay Cutler, while he may be “the best quarterback in the draft”, he looks like a douchebag. Get a haircut, you friggin’ fifth Beatle. I’m all for long hair, beards, dreads, whatever. Bowl cuts, however, are against the law. Good pick for Denver, though. Jake Plummer’s probably bummed after a decent season, but they gotta look forward to the future.

Side note – Steve Young must’ve heard my smug comment, because he’s desperately trying to pass ol’ Kiper with comments like “let me remind you that I went on record on ESPN about Cutler”. Yeah, we got it, you’re a genius….

Side note – Baltimore trades with Celevland for 13th overall and a 6th Rounder.

12. Baltimore Ravens – Haloti Ngata DT/Oregon – This guy is roughly the size of a cow. A poisonous cow with lasers that shoot from his horns and kill offensive linemen. Even though their defense SHOULD be top notch, Kyle Boller will keep the Ravens out of contention for the year. The Ravens will now officially be impossible to run against though.

Side note – Beer #3 VANQUISHED!
Side note – Ouch…the film they just showed of Ngata was pretty sad. I retract my laser beams in the horns statement. But, he’s still a cow. HA HA HA! The Haloti interview was fantastic. “Haloti, what can you say about coaches saying you take plays off?” “Well, I’m just blessed..” **WOOOOOOOOOO!!!** “…this is my team…” **WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!**
Side note – Suzie Colber, I wanna kiss you…

13. Cleveland Browns – Kamerion Wimbley DE/Florida State – Solid player, rarely hurt despite a brief injury stint. Frankly the Browns’ defensive line sucks. So, he ought to be possibly the best pick these guys have made since before they left for Baltimore.

14. Philadelphia Eagles – Brodrick Bunkley DT/Florida State – Seriously, holy s**t. Bench pressing 225 pounds 44 times? This guy is going to kill people. Wow. That guys arms look like pythons that ate six pumpkins. Good call, Philly. I still hate you, but good call all the same.

Side note – Beer #4 out the door!

15. St. Louis Rams – Tye Hill CB/Clemson – A five foot, nine inch corner back? Good luck with all THAT, St. Louis. Yeah, I know about the Senior Bowl, I live in Mobile. But, you can’t be fooled by one game. Sure Spud Webb was fun to watch, but that didn’t make him a perennial threat. Tye Hill = wasted pick.

Side note – Man, seriously, two things are about to make me go Elvis on my television screen this afternoon. Click clack and these pimp superstar promos for these college athletes. Jay Cutler as a cowboy pimp? Reggie Bush looking like a bigger player than Andre 3000 from Outkast? Matt Leinart looking like Snake from Escape From LA? Lame.

16. Miami Dolphins – Jason Allen CB/Tennesee – One of their major holes has been filled. Plus, his mother was freaking out in a world class way. He didn’t seem to pumped about it, but I think his momma is excited about meeting Jason Taylor (he’s so dreamy!) I think this guy is a top notch defensive back, but his mother’s got a better vertical leap.

17. Minnesota Vikings – Chad Greenway LB/Iowa – Sorry, I’ve never even heard anything about this guy. But, I can tell you that I need to pee.

18. Dallas Cowboys – Bobby Carpenter LB/Ohio State – Should be a tough defensive addition for the Cowboys, but I think they probably should’ve looked to an offensive tackle, considering their left tackle has never started a game. But, who am I to question the Big Tuna?

Side note – Beer #5 down the hatch.

19. San Diego Chargers – Antonio Cromartie CB/Florida State – The fourth Florida State defensive player taken in the first round is the craziest. He didn’t play the at all last season with a knee injury. The Chargers already have some pretty good DBs in Jammer and Jue. If there had’ve been a wide receiver worth a crap, they could’ve SURE used some of that. But, maybe Chad Jackson could’ve still been the better pick.

Side note – I’m getting pretty drunk now. Congratulations for me. I have to wonder if Cromartie’s family is “experiencing financial difficulties because of the pimp suit he’s wearing to the draft…
Side note – I saw a homeless guy walking down the street wearing a fez today. That has nothing to do with football, but I just wanted to mention it.

20. Kansas City Chiefs - Tamba Hali DE/Penn State – This guy kills. Watch the film on him. Seriously. He’s a quarterback exterminator. It may not translate all the way to the NFL, but this guy is a great pick.

Side note – Watching the Tamba Hali story after the pick. Wow, this guy has a hard life story. Jesus, he was this close to becoming a soldier in the Liberian Army and fighting in the civil war over there. And he’s playing so that his momma can come to America? Forget it, I feel bad for every QB to come into contact with this guy. Consider yourself dead.

21. New England Patriots – Lawrence Maroney – Wait… What? What about DeAngelo Williams? What about LenDale White? I don’t feel like I should be second guessing a football genius like Bill Belichick, but, Really? I don’t like it.

22. San Francisco 49ers – Manny Lawson DE/NC State – Chalk up a good draft to the 49ers. But, I feel like these guys won’t have a chance to compete for at least three years. They’ll be in the game, but their team is terrible. No offense at all. No defense at all. They’re making strides in the right direction, but you can only do so much in the the time between seasons.

Side note – Oh man, I’d love it if the Bucs could get Winston Justice. Solicitation of prostitution? Brandishing a FAKE firearm? So…what… It’s better than Michael Pittman’s love of playing bumper Humvees with his wife and infant child. I’m sold…pull the trigger.

23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Davin Joseph G/Oklahoma – WHAT?! Boooooo… I don’t like it. I don’t want to talk about it.

24. Cincinatti Bengals – Johnathan Joseph CB/South Carolina – With Deltha O’Neil as their best defensiveve back, the Bengals could have chosen anything anywhere in the defensive spectrum and still made a good enough choice.

Side note – Beer number something. Six maybe? Drunkedness is ensuing. I just checked, it’s six.
Side note – Pittsburgh trades with New York

25. Pittsburgh Steelers – Santonio Holmes WR/Ohio State – Great great great choice of picks. He’s interchangeable as the best WR in the draft with Chad Jackson. Hines Ward now has a new counterpart to play with once Cedrick Wilson falls off the map like he did in San Fran. Great pick, Pittsburgh.

Side note – Buffalo trades with Chicago

26. Buffalo Bills – John McCargo DT/NC State – Uh… Buffalo? Are you guys letting the chick from Major League draft for you? I know it’s not a large market team, and Los Angeles is chomping at the bit. But, come on, this guy is a late second, early third rounder. Buffalo has lost their minds.

27. Carolina Panthers – DeAngelo Williams RB/Memphis – This is the best pick since the top 5. Fantastic fit with the team. Fills a void that Stephen Davis and DeShaun Foster have left behind with old age and injuries. Fantastic pick. I can’t praise them enough for grabbing him when they did.

28. Jacksonville Jaguars – Marcedes Lewis TE/UCLA – This is a huge upgrade from Kyle Brady. Great choice from what was left. Now Byron Leftwich can have another target whose name isn’t Jimmy Smith. Great choice.

Side note – One more beer before the end of the first round.

29. New York Jets – Nick Mangold C/Ohio State – Great choice for the Jets who lost Kevin Mawae to free agency. The best part of that pick? Either the Jets fans nearly hanging from the rafters and humping each other or that Mangold’s mom leapt on top of him and blocked him from camera’s view for nearly the entire shot.

30. Indianapolis Colts – Joseph Addai RB/LSU – Dominic Rhodes just threw his remote control across the room. This guy’s a stud for sure. A 4.4 40? Forget about it. We’ll see Rhodes for a few games, but that’ll probably do it.

Side note – I love the McDonald’s commercial where the hot chick is walking by and all the dudes are eating McDonalds and she walks by and they see her kid and they all give a “Phew! Dodged THAT bullet!” look knowing that they don’t want any of that noise. Because EVERYONE knows avoid chicks with babies at all cost, and McDonald’s is all like, “WORD!”
Side note – I love any athlete who uses the third person. It’s like spotting a mullet. Every time I hear LenDale White say “LenDale White” it makes me smile like I just spotted a feathered mullet with a rat tail.

31. Seattle Seahawks – Kelly Jennings CB/Miami – Unnecessary pick. Their defensive backs are fine. But with all the picking of the defensive backs going on, who can blame them? I’m not happy with the pick, but I don’t really care either, because the Seahawks are possibly one of the most boring teams in the NFL.

32. New York Giants – Mathias Kiwanuka – DE/Boston College – Pretty good pick there. A guy who can play on the other side of Strahan and learn from him as he goes along. His grandfather was the president of the Uganda. He wears a tattoo of the Ugandan Presidential Seal to commemorate the fact that his grandfather was tortured and killed during his presidency. Wow. What’s Strahan’s story again? Oh, right, not nearly as interesting, just something about gapped teeth and Favre fainting at the sight of him to give him a record. Right. You go, Kiwanuka!

There’s your first round. Paul Tagliabue is gone. I’m pretty drunk, but I’ve tried to maintain my journalistic integrity (look I can still spell it! That you Microsoft spell check!) and maintain a different look at the draft. Good day to you fools, I’m going to light the grill and get the margarita machine purring and ready for the rest of the party.

Labels: football draft, jospeh addai, nfl, nfl draft, reggie bush

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