Yes, yes… I’m getting bored of writing NFL rape articles, too. I’m trying to work on the 2010 Rotodestroyer, dammit! So, instead of writing, I just made some pretty pictures… Talk to you soon with real football insight!
By now you’ve heard about the Miami Dolphin’s GM, Jeff Ireland, asking Dez Bryant if his mother is or was ever a prostitute. This was only a singular instance in a barrage of unflattering, stupid, and insulting questions players had to field. We’ve gotten our hands on the fake transcripts from these interviews and present to you the lengths NFL teams will go to break prospects down to a granular level for you drunken viewing enjoyment:
- Trent Williams – “Do you have any nicknames?” “Ummm…not really.” “Well, you need one. What about The Great Black Menace?” “Uh..no.” “Blackzilla?” “No.” “The Human Gorilla?” “Uh-uh” “What about just ‘Silverback’?” “Where’s my agent?”
- Russell Okung – “Wait a second… Where’s the Asian? Who are you?”
- Bryan Bulaga – “When you were a child, we understand your mother jumped in the air and got stuck… Can you explain this to me?”
- Rolando McClain – “So, what’re you packing down there? Come on. Whip it out. We’re all grown ups. Look there’s mine…don’t be a baby!”
- Sam Bradford – “Did you cry when Bambi’s mother died?” “Yes, but I was 6 (years old).” “Pussy…”
- C.J. Spiller – “Who would you do? John Madden or Pat Summerall?”
- Tim Tebow – “What terrifies you more? Putting the back of your hands on your center’s taint or a vagina?”
- Earl Thomas – (Interviewer shakes Earl Thomas’ hand, then licks his fingers one by one.)
- Dan Williams – “Forgive me, I’m terrible with names, Mr. W-w-w-weeeeee… W-w-whale… I’m sorry, Doug.”
- Tyson Alualu – “Whoa…is that your sister?” “Yes, sir.” “Shit…does she put out?”
Here we are again, except now it’s Thursday night. I hope I’m not alone in finding a prime time draft a terrible idea. They think they’re making it where more people can watch it. Well, what they did for me was to make sure I DVRed it so that my kids could watch the new Spongebob, then I got them in bed, and now I’m starting the damn thing at 9:00. Pain in the ass. Anyways, it might make for better writing once 1:00 AM wheels around and I’m shitfaced and sleepy. This year’s Drinkin’ & Draftin’ is brought to you by Screwdrivers and Froot Loops with Marshmallows.
Froot Loops with Marshmallows. Jumpin’ Jesus on a pogo stick. I’d like to hope that the inventor of that combination won an award or his picture is at least hanging in the same hall as the first guy to wrap bacon around a steak. Anyways, here we go.
Side Note – Ha ha ha! From the sounds of those “Boo”s following Roger Goodell’s announcement of “Thanks for bringing us to prime time” I think I may not be the only one who hates the idea. Although, I’m pretty sure Roger Goodell could have said “I brought free doughnuts” and most of New York would say, “Fuck yo’ doughnuts! You killed Plaxico!”
Side note – I think Sam Bradford is actually holding a tampon up to his ear.
1. St Louis Rams – Sam Bradford – QB – Oklahoma – It was pretty much a lock to happen. Bradford looks as spiffy as Matt Ryan did on draft day. I know he’s feeling like Eli on the inside, but at least he’s smiling.
Side note – Boy, there’s some worried looking defensive tackles sitting around there waiting on the Lions to pick.
2. Detroit Lions – Ndamukong Suh – DT – Nebraska – That is one beefy beefcake. He would’ve looked great in Pewter, but I’m not mad. Holy shit…do you hear how country a guy named Ndamukong can sound? What in the hell is that all about…I wasn’t expecting that at all! Not sound stereotypical or anything I kind of half expected The Gods Must Be Crazy when he got interviewed. Regardless, I would say I can’t wait to watch him play, but that won’t come until thanksgiving.
Side note- Of course we’re discussing Gerald McCoy. He’s been smiling for 5 minutes straight. Unless he’s getting a call from Lil Lupe right now, he’s going to the Bucs…
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Gerald McCoy – DT – Oklahoma – I love him. I love the pick. I can’t wait to watch him. He looks more like a defensive end to me, especially compared to Suh. You know what though, historically the big crybabies in the past few years of draft day (Vernon Davis and Cedric Benson) they took a few years to pan out. So, from that oen statistic, I’m not expecting him to rip skulls until 2014 or so…
Side note – Wow! Whoopdie-shit, Chis Berman!
Side note – Jon Gruden looks like he just came in out of the rain tonight…
Side note – When Steve Young says he thinks Donovan McNabb could be MVP, he means Most Vulnerable Patella.
4. Washington Redskins – Trent Williams – OT – Oklahoma – The third Oklahoma player in four picks? Wiggity-wack. Ha ha ha! the Asian tourist approves of Wiliams! Jesus, that clip of him shoving the defensive end backward and onto his ass made me shoot vodka out of my nose. Day-um!
Side note – Ewwwww…. Eric Berry a Chief? Ewwwww….
5. Kansas City Chiefs – Eric Berry – S – Tennessee – I’ve gone about 3-4 months thinking Eric Berry was going to the Bucs. I spent those 3-4 months falling in love with teh idea of a ready-made football player joining the Bucs. Seeing Eric Berry wind up with the Chiefs is like when Zak Morris found out Kelly was doing Jeff from The Maxx.
Side note – I know I can’t be the only one whole-heartedly rooting against Pete Carroll. Well, the only one with no USC ties at least…
Side note – Man, CJ Spiller looks like he’s about to faint… Sheee-it…
6. Seattle Seahawks – Russell Okung – OT – Oklahoma State – Oh…OH…Are they tryingto make him cry before he gets off the phone? He’s fake boxing what is probably a very gay 40 year old cameraman. He looks like a good blocker… Can he also throw the ball, run it, and maybe even catch a few as well? Oh…well, then I guess the Seahawks offense isn’t fixed yet…
Side note – The should change the slogan to “You want the NFL, we’ll sell you the NFL.”
Side note – Jimmy Claussen looked like an angry lesbian on the cover of ESPN The Magazine this month.
7. Cleveland Browns – Joe Haden – CB – Florida – Man, with the size of those ears and the size of those tears…I gotta say it, Joe Haden reminds me of when they tore Dumbo away from his momma. Ha ha ha! I think Lil John snuck into Haden’s table there… Yay-uh!
Side note – I could see the Raiders picking Dez Bryant here, just because who the fuck ever knows what Al Davis is gonna do? They were awful quick to it…could be Jimmy “The Angry Lesbian” Claussen, I guess… Goodell’s waiting on you, you bunch of blowhards….
8. Oakland Raiders – Rolando McClain – MLB – Alabama – That’s REALLY surprising. Al Davis did it again! But, you know what, I am from Alabama, but McClain is one tough badass. I think it’s a great pick. It was early, but, every time you watch an Alabama game you saw two guys in the frame of every defensive play, Terrence Cody and Rolando McClain. Al Davis just shocked me, and not just because he stuck his pinky in my butthole.
9. Buffalo Bills – C.J. Spiller – RB – Clemson – WOW! I thought these almost-Cannucks were a lock on drafting Tebow. I would’ve been stoked for whoever got C.J. Spiller, but jeez…Buffalo? They seem to waste their way through running backs. I hate to hear it for Spiller, honestly.
Side note – Why can’t Tim Tebow eat M&Ms? Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands! Oh wait….wrong guy…
Side note – I don’t know if Under Armour is more making tough stuff gay or making gay stuff tough, but it’s definitely one or the other…
10. Jacksonville Jaguars – Tyson Alualu – DT – California – Zuh??? I don’t know. hearing Roger Goodell pronounce his name made me laugh. Don’t fuck with Samoans. Ask Polamalu. Meh… I gotta pee…
Side note - Ooo! Mel Kiper feels slighted!
Side note – My wife says Under Armour is making gay stuff tough, though she’s a fan of “all the doo-dads” that I’m opposing the view of.
Side note – Denver Broncos trade their pick to San Francisco 49ers.
11. San Francisco 49ers – Anthony Davis – OT – Rutgers – Holy shit! thats no kid, that’s a mountain! I like it. It obvious Alex Smith needs as much protection as he can get, and frank gore is looking as fragile as ever. I like it. That’s a mountain!
Side note – Miami Dolphins trade their pick to the San Diego Chargers.
12. San Diego Chargers – Ryan Matthews – RB – Fresno State – I didn’t know how in the world teh Chargers were going to get by with Darren Sproles as their feature back. He’s not as exciting as CJ Spiller, but you see how well these fancy backs work out lately.
Side note – Denver Broncos trade their pick to the Philadelphia Eagles.
Side note – That’s a wild position for the Eagels to be in. Usually they trade their way out of the 1st.
Side note – Steve young just said “this is a team that has GOT to play defense!” Oooo… That sucks, there’s so many teams out there that just get to sit in on offense all game long. It’ just not fair!
13. Philadelphia Eagles – Brandon Graham – DE – Michigan – Wow, Brandon’s mom decorated their living room in Fruit Stripe gum. That’s a ballsy move. Tom Jackson calls him a “Whirling dervish of a guy”. That sounds promising to me!
Side note – I’m Sal Pow-lan-tonio and I can fit two Ball Park franks up my nostrils!
Side note – I’m embarrassed to admit I think I like the new Diddy Dirty Money song. His name however makes me think he’s pulling an OJ flaunting the fact that he had Biggie killed.
14. Seattle Seahawks – Earl Thomas – DB – Texas – He looks pretty exciting, aside from the interception they just showed where #6 just looked the INT and walked around him off the field like, “Meh…dammit. Oh well.” I dont’ care about defensive backs or the Seahawks. Double whammy! Time to go pee.
Side note – I think those two girls in JPP’s crew were making out. He knows how to party.
15. New York Giants – Jason Pierre-Paul – DE – South Florida – Neck beard approves of this pick. Gruden approves of this pick. How can you argue with the approval of these two? I don’t think just one guy can right that shitty boat that was the Giants defense last season, but you gotta start somewhere.
Side note – My wife is passed out on the couch. The excitment of watching me get drunk and blog about the NFL draft must’ve been too much for her.
16. Tennessee Titans – Derek Morgan – DE – Georgia Tech – Who invited this guy to New York? Mel Kiper personally? They sure are taking care to point out his many. many flaws and how there’s plenty of other players better than him. Sounds like Kiper’s hedging his bets.
17. San francisco 49ers – Mike Iupati – OG – Idaho – Wow! Mel kiper is PISSED about everyone making him look foolish with his Jimmy Claussen love affair. So, the 49ers are building a young, tough offensive line and happy with what they got in the skill positions. I like what the 49ers are doing there. As always, it could blow up in their face to have such a young O-Line. But, it could also blow up in Mel Kiper’s face. I’d rather see I’d rather see Kiper’s face get blown on.
18. Pittsburgh Steelers – Maurkice Pouncey – C – Florida – What? Ha ha ha ha! Mouth kiss for his boy! We all caught that Maurkice! I don’t know about that, but if there’s ever a position that goes COMPLETELY unheralded it’s the Center. So, he could be great, he could be terrible, how would we know?
19. Atlanta Falcons – Sean Witherspoon – OLB – Missouri – Well, they’re cool on offense, but just a few pieces away from a solid defense. There’s one of the missing pieces. I gotta admit, I’m not feeling this guy, but at this point where else do you go?
20. Houston Texans – Kareem Jackson – CB – Alabama – Here in Alabama, we’re a Javier Arenas state. So, when you’re talking about the guy across the field from him…Hmmmm, well OK. They’ve nailed down a couple of great young DBs in the past two drafts.
Side note – I might be naive, but why are all of these NCAA QB family homes so well off already? All three of the big QBs families seem to be living pretty damn large.
21. Cincinnatti Bengals – Jermaine Gresham – TE – Oklahoma – Ah shit… Steve Young just got one right. Listen to him croon over himself. Ugh. He’s a great pick. They needed a TE, and they got the best one on the board. Butm the big question is: how’s his rap sheet? Will he fit in? Maybe he should go out tonight and punch a girl or something to fit in better.
Side note – If I was meaner or had bigger balls, I would try and lob balls of paper into my wife’s mouth while she sleeps on the couch. Although I do admit it’s pretty sweet that she tried to make it through with me.
22. Denver Broncos – Damaryius Thomas – WR – Georgia tech – Hmmmm….that’s interesting. I know Dez Bryant has his problems, and maybe Denver got sick of dealing with that shit after Brandon Marshall. But, you know what just because Mel Kiper says it’s so doesn’t necessarily make it so.
Side note – Macrostifarian is gnawing her fingernails right now.
Side note – Steve Young, youf ucking moron, Thomas reminds McDaniels of Marshall because there’s no doubt Marshall is a great WR, he’s just an asshole. they’re banking on Thomas NOT being an asshole.
23. Green Bay Packers – Bryan Bulaga – OT – Iowa – Well… That’s not exciting. He does look like a Packer. I bet his veins pump cheese. I don’t know. I’ll check with Macrostifarian and see what she thinks. It is a left tackle who will probably wind up at right guard, which is good when you think about it. But, then again, when you think about it even harder it tells me that maybe he’s not all that good at his job in the first place.
Side note – yeah, good call on Dallas likely moving up after the fact McShay.
Side note – New England Patriots trade their pick to the Dallas Cowboys.
24. Dallas Cowboys – Dez Bryant – WR – Oklahoma State – Well, looks like they’re getting their new Michale Irving for the 21st century. D’oh, Jon Gruden stole my line! I gotta admit, he’s looking pretty damned good and the Cowboys got real lucky.
Side note – USA! USA! USA! USA!
Side note – Oh shit! What?! The BRONCOS?!! Wow! Ha ha ha! kiper is SUPER PISSED! he’s stewing!
25. Denver Broncos – Tim Tebow – QB – Florida – Oh man, I love seeing Mel Kiper so pissed off. Tebow annoys the shit out of me, but you can’t deny that he’s a huge draw. He’s going to singlehandedly sell tickets. If he can half ass play QB, even better… He sounds like a 9 year old being interviewed, though.
Side note – I think Tom Jackson is having nipple problems. I think I see one of those anime tears on the side of Kiper’s face.
26. Arizona Cardinals – Dan Williams – DT – Tennessee – Now Mel Kiper can relax a little. That’s a big, big wall of human flesh. I like him.
Side note – Is Junior Seau’s third retirement REALLY a key departure?
27. New England Patriots – Devin McCourty – CB – Rutgers -
Editor’s note – At this point, I had already dozed off a few times as can be determined by my editorial on Dan Williams, “I like him.” I made it through God shining his omnipotent light down upon Jacksonville and Denver simultaneously, and the vodka and late hour had it’s way with me. I could try and fake the rest of it out, but what would be the fun of that?